I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I got drunk at a wedding and told a mutual friend about my wife’s very specific kink, and then the friend made a comment to my wife about it. She was embarrassed, and now she’s PISSED at me. Technically, we never made any agreements about what’s off-limits to tell friends, but my wife says I should have KNOWN better.
I guess I have a few questions for you: How do I make sure this doesn’t get out to more people? How do I make my wife not be mad at me? And did I really do something wrong?
—Drunken Mistake
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Dear Drunken Mistake,
Yes, you did do something wrong, and to be honest, I think you know you shouldn’t have blabbed about your wife’s kink. (It’s not a coincidence that it happened when you were drunk and less likely to abide by your usual code of conduct.) There are certain topics someone can reasonably expect their spouse to keep private without them having to ask, and the details of their sex life are one of them.
As much as I wish it were otherwise, we live in a society that looks negatively upon people, and specifically women, who have kinks and fetishes—let alone sexual desire. Women who express their sexuality are often slut-shamed, deemed unlovable, or diagnosed with “daddy issues.” So, your wife is right to be concerned about the outcome when you go around sharing personal information about her sexual interests.
“Sexuality is a pretty fraught topic and one that most people keep private,” said Elizabeth Dell, MPH, sex educator and founder of the romance app Amorus. “Unless you have explicit permission to discuss someone’s sexual choices, the default should always be don’t disclose.”
Your wife’s anger is warranted, and there’s no magic word to make it evaporate. The only thing you can do is own up to your wrongdoings and vow never to do it again. This doesn’t mean explaining it away with “I was drunk” or “I didn’t think he’d tell anyone.” That will only anger your wife more because it sounds like you’re making excuses for your actions instead of taking responsibility. A quality apology “means owning that you shared private information without her consent, that you opened your sex life up for scrutiny and judgment when you shouldn’t have, and clearly stating that you won’t do it again,” Dell says.
So, I would tell her: “I’m really sorry for what I did. I shouldn’t have shared your kinks with anyone. It was a breach of trust, and you have every right to be angry with me. I promise I will never tell anyone else again.”
Last but certainly not least, you should ask your friend not to share the sensitive information with anyone else, but you need to accept that there’s a serious risk of him doing so. (After all, he immediately went and mentioned it to your wife.) Scary, right? Hopefully this discomfort will dissuade you from doing anything this disrespectful again.
Your actions have consequences, even when you’re drunk. After you apologize to your wife and talk to your friend, I’d also recommend you engage in your wife’s kink more frequently than you do already. She deserves it.
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