I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.
This is an edited and condensed transcription from last week’s “Sexplain It Live,” which was recorded on Men’s Health‘s Instagram. I was joined by therapist John Kim, LMFT, co-author of IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU: Break the Cycle. Relationship Better.
I love my girlfriend, but she is the worst at telling stories. They are boring and long and have no point. Then, right as she’s getting to the end, she’ll say, “Wait, I forgot to explain something,” and then start over from the beginning. I love her, but her inability to tell stories is truly driving me insane. I know she’ll be heartbroken if I tell her, so I’m not sure what to do.
JK: So here’s what I’d wanna say, but don’t do this! What I wanna say is, you gotta jokingly tell your girlfriend, “Hey, listen, your stories are taking way too long. We’re losing friends because of your stories, and you’re about to lose me. So you need to go to story school. You need to tighten that shit up.” So that’s what you don’t do! Now what you do do, and this is the harder piece, is accepting that this is who she is, and this is how she tells stories. And the universe is going to teach her, not you, right?
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ZZ: Hm…
JK: I don’t think that we have a right to try to change anyone. Now, if she asks, “Hey, Zach, you know, I was wondering, I feel like I tell stories too long,” then yes! You can kick that door open and be completely honest. But if she doesn’t ask, I don’t think we have a right to fix people or dictate their personality unless they are harming someone or being cruel.
ZZ: Ya know, we all have dealbreakers, and it could be that this, unfortunately, is one. Hopefully, it’s not. Hopefully, it’s something that you can get over, but if it drives you nuts, then maybe this person isn’t right for you. But also, I think there has to be something you can say. I was wondering if there’s a way to frame it nicely. Could you say, “Hey, so I really want to hear what you have to say, but I really can’t follow along when you tell a story.”
JK: Sure.
ZZ: Or, “Is there a way we can streamline your stories?” So instead of being like, “You’re bad at storytelling, like, come on! How have you not noticed this by now? You’re a grown-ass person.” Is there a way to convey the same thing in a way that frames it as a me issue and not a you issue?” So “I am struggling to follow. Maybe if these stories were shorter, or you really thought about what the purpose was of the story from the beginning, that would really help me understand them, so I could respond better.” There has to be a way to frame it kindly because otherwise, this guy is going to lose his mind.
JK: Yeah, there is, and I love what you’re saying. It’s a whole ownership thing, and so it’s good to bring it back to you. “Hey, you know, I have a bit of ADD, so when you tell stories, I get lost. Do you think you’d be able to give me the cliff note instead? That would be helpful for me.” So making it more about you and doing it in a gentle way, instead of an accusatory way. Also, if you’re single and you’re going on dates, you can say to your date: “Hey, tell me a story.” And then you’ll know from the beginning if they’re a good storyteller and if that’s going to bother you or not. If that story is three hours long, you may want to find someone else.
ZZ: It’s always weird what our pet peeves are. And for some reason, being a bad storyteller makes me irrationally upset. I get way more frustrated than I should.
JK: Zach, I know what it is! You’re not frustrated or turned off by the storytelling piece; it’s their lack of awareness and inability to read the room, especially when you’re with a bunch of people. You’re bothered by the fact that they’re not sensing that people are not enjoying it or are checking out.
ZZ: I think that’s part of it! I love this, I’m getting some free therapy in here, too.
Watch the full conversation here:
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, culture, and entertainment. He was formerly the digital associate editor at OUT Magazine. His work has been featured in Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and more.
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