I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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As a queer man, I’ve been surprised to find, especially in recent months, that I’m feeling in the minority as someone who uses condoms during penetrative sex. Even though I take PrEP, I still feel most comfortable with condoms to avoid other STIs. However, I’ve found it difficult to have the conversation with other folks I’m sleeping with around their condom use decisions that doesn’t come across as judgy/holier than thou. So two questions: 1) Did I totally miss the moment when condoms fell out of vogue? 2) How can I manage conversations around condom use clearly but sensitively?
—Wrapped Up
Dear Wrapped Up,
There wasn’t a singular “moment” when condoms suddenly fell out of vogue, but research does support that condom use among gay and bisexual men has vastly decreased in the past decade.
While these studies can’t determine causation since they collect data through self-report condom use, many researchers do believe that widespread adoption of pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) is significantly contributing. (FYI, for anyone reading this column who doesn’t know what I’m talking about: PrEP is a regimen of medication that decreases your likelihood of getting HIV through sex by 99%. Though it doesn’t protect against other STIs, some PrEP users still choose not to wear condoms because they know they (probably) won’t get HIV.)
Before I got on PrEP, my condom use was close to 100% for penetrative sex with other men. Since I’ve been taking it, my condom use has admittedly gone down—by choice. I’ve analyzed the risks and decided that for me, personally, the pros of bareback sex outweigh the cons. The times I have gotten an STI, I simply tell my partners, take antibiotics, and I’m back to having sex again in a week following treatment.
I believe everyone is allowed to determine their own level of sexual risk (with their partners’ consent, of course), and I’m happy to see you’re not passing judgment on guys who choose not to wear condoms. But just as you’re not judging men with a higher risk tolerance for STIs, these men should not be judging you for wanting to shield yourself from gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, and everything else PrEP does not protect against. You are not being “holier than thou” for wanting to wear condoms, and if guys accuse you of such, that’s on them—not you.
When it comes to having the condom conversation with a potential sexual partner, either online or IRL, keep things short and sweet. You run a greater risk of coming off as judgy if you go into a long-winded monologue, over-explaining why you choose to wear condoms while on PrEP. Also…it’s kinda obvious why. You don’t want to get any STIs! He knows that. You know that. Everyone knows that.
So I think you’re better off simply and directly asking someone if they’re down to use them. Just say, “Hey, I prefer to use condoms. Is that okay?” Either he’ll say, “Yes, I’m okay with it,” or, “I’m actually looking to have bareback sex, so I’m going to pass.” (Conversely, if you’re talking to a guy online, he may stop responding. If that happens, you have your answer!)
Honestly, your most reliable strategy for getting your partners to wear condoms is finding other men who also want to wear condoms during sex. If you’re on any hookup apps, write “safe only” in your bio. (FYI, you won’t be the only one writing this; I see it all the time.) If men are exclusively looking to have bareback sex, they won’t message you. Sure, fewer men will be interested in having sex with you since some guys only want bareback sex, but your goal is to weed out those men anyway. Some hookup apps also allow you to filter your search results by type of sex, so you can search for guys who list “safe only” in their profile. Sounds better than matching with someone, meeting up, and stripping down—only to find out then that you’re not on the same page about wrapping it up.
Contributing Editor
Zachary Zane is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and editor-in-chief of the BOYSLUT Zine, which publishes nonfiction erotica from kinksters across the globe. He writes “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health, and is the co-author of Men’s Health Best. Sex. Ever. His work has been featured in New York Times, Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and more.
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