I’m Straight, but I Sleep With Men & Watch Gay Porn

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

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Dear Sexplain It,

 

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I’m in my mid-twenties and identity as a heterosexual man. A year or two back, I accidentally watched gay porn and have frequently turned to it (together with straight porn). I never liked men per se, but I kept watching it nonetheless. I moved to a new city last year and, by some quirk, decided to hook up with a man. I’ve hooked up with seven men so far, and except for three, whom I sucked, it was mostly me getting disgusted by myself when we kissed. I don’t know what keeps drawing me back to it: Is it the idea of being physically intimate with somebody—anybody? I haven’t had sex with a woman, as I want to save it for my special someone. Am I gay or just bi-curious? Am I even justified in identifying as straight?

— Confused Dude


Dear Confused Dude,

It’s not uncommon for straight guys to experiment with men at some point in their lives. After a hookup or two, they come to the conclusion that they are, in fact, straight. Then they stop hooking up with dudes, and that chapter of their life closes forever.

You, on the other hand, continuously watch gay porn and have hooked up with seven men “so far,” which leads me to believe there are more men to come. (No pun intended.) As you say yourself, something keeps drawing you back to men, and if I had to guess what that “something” is, I’d say it’s that you’re attracted to men!

Whether you’re gay, bisexual, or bi-curious—more on labels later!—I think you know you’re into dudes, and you’re having trouble accepting it. The way you phrased this part of your question is highly telling: “it was mostly me getting disgusted by myself when we kissed.” You aren’t disgusted by the act of hooking up with men; you’re disgusted with yourself for participating in that act. So I think that the biggest obstacle standing between you and your own happiness is your internalized homophobia and/or biphobia.

Therapy is a great place to start unpacking this. I’d also check out some podcasts that speak to people questioning their sexuality, including Savage Lovecast, Two Bi Guys, and Nancy. I also cannot think of a more perfect person than you to read my book, Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. It comes out on May 9th. In the meantime, I’d check out The Velvet Rage, which, as the back cover of the book notes, “passionately describes the stages of a gay man’s journey out of shame and offers practical and inspired strategies to stop the cycle of avoidance and self-defeating behavior.”

As for the question of labels: This might sound counterintuitive, but I think if you stop stressing about them so much, you’re actually more likely to figure out how you identify. In college, when I first started hooking up with men, I couldn’t allow myself to be fully present in my hookups because I had this nagging thought in the back of my mind whenever I kissed a dude: “So am I gay now or what?” I’d get so caught up in these panicked questions that I’d lose sight of whether I was actually enjoying the experience, making it harder to pinpoint my actual sexuality. Ironically, I would have been able to embrace being bisexual a hell of a lot sooner if I wasn’t as focused on how I identified.

I have a sneaking suspicion that if you allow yourself to be present—fully enjoying your experiences with men—you’ll gain some clarity on which label is right for you.

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Contributing Editor

Zachary Zane is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and editor-in-chief of the BOYSLUT Zine, which publishes nonfiction erotica from kinksters across the globe. He writes “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health, and is the co-author of Men’s Health Best. Sex. Ever. His work has been featured in New York Times, Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and more.  

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