I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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Some big life things came up recently, which led to some panic, causing my boyfriend and I to take a break. Nothing was wrong in the relationship; we’re both just extremely anxious people, but I can confirm that we were both happy without any doubts. However, during this break, he realized he was gay, which was extremely unexpected. (Context: He identified as bi before. I am a bi, cisgender woman.)
That seems simple, doesn’t it? Except while he was questioning, he told me that he never doubted his love or attraction to me. He was, in his words, one hundred percent sure of this. Well, now he says he’s one hundred percent certain he’s gay, so I feel my confusion is valid. He then said that nothing (sexually) does anything for him anymore unless he thinks of a man. He compared it to eating cake vs. eating a rock.
Again, I feel like it should be simple, but I’m still so confused, you know? This guy used to pop a boner if I smiled a certain way. Now he’s saying he’s one hundred percent gay? Please help. I’m just confused about what changed and caused his realization so suddenly.
— Bi and Confused
Dear Bi and Confused,
I understand why you’re confused! While I can’t give you any exact answers about your boyfriend’s sexuality—I’m not in his head—I can help you understand where his apparent 180 might be coming from, and how to accept it.
I don’t know for sure if he’s gay, but there’s a chance it’s true. To be clear, male bisexuality is extremely real. I mean, for the love of God, I am essentially the face of male bisexuality. While I don’t want to perpetuate the stereotype that all bi men are secretly just gay, some men do use the label as a stepping-stone. They might not do this knowingly; in other words, I don’t think your boyfriend was trying to deceive you when he identified as bi. I’d be willing to bet he really wanted to be bi, because it sounds like you both experienced happiness together.
We must accept men when they say they’re bisexual; similarly, we must accept men who identify as bi before coming out as gay.
As for the fact that he used to pop a boner if you smiled a certain way? Again, I’m not in his head. However, I have heard from gay friends who were previously married to women—and had sex with them for years—that they did enjoy it, despite being gay. Can I explain this? No, as sexuality is complex and manifests differently for everyone, your BF very much included.
Bi and Confused, I can see how badly you’re craving answers. I’m guessing you don’t want to feel like your relationship was fake, or somehow invalid. When a man comes out as gay to his female partner, there’s often this idea that they didn’t truly love them, or that the entire relationship was a farce. Of course, that does happen, but I don’t think it happened to you. Your ex did love you; it was, perhaps, just a different type of love. If you can look at your relationship as a success—as something beautiful, but that sadly ended, just like most romantic relationships—then you may have an easier time accepting your current state.
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