I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.
This is an edited and condensed transcription from last week’s “Sexplain It Live,” which was recorded on Men’s Health‘s Instagram. I was joined by Dr. Emily Morse, author of Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure.
How important is sex in a relationship? I ask because my wife likes having sex daily, whereas I’m a twice-a-week max type of man. I like sex, but I don’t crave it all that much. I’m 50 years old now, which may be why, but even in my twenties, I wasn’t as obsessed and focused on sex as my guy friends.
EM: I love this question because we are not all the same sexually. We all have different levels of desire for when we want sex. [Often,] there is a high-desire partner and a low-desire partner. And typically, that’s who’s gonna get together. So most couples need to have this kind of negotiation where if one person wants it every day, and another person wants it two times a week, then they get to decide how many days a week feel right for them without shaming each other for not wanting it the same. But this is what I want people to understand: We are all different. I get so many questions, and you probably get this too, Zach, where people are [essentially asking,] “Am I normal?”
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ZZ: Yes!
EM: Is this okay? Is it okay that I want sex? Is it okay that I have this fetish? And you’re all good! As long as everybody communicates, you’re honest, and you keep doing the work, you’re all good. And I think he and his wife can figure out a good rhythm for them to have sex. And I wanna remind people, and I write a lot about this in my book Smart Sex, that sex isn’t just about penetration. A lot of times, we think we’re craving sex, but really, we’re craving intimacy. We might be craving massage, holding hands, or having an intimate conversation. We just want to feel connected and seen by our partner. So maybe there are some other ways to get those needs met. And then, finally, if they don’t want sex at the same rate, I’m a huge fan of mutual masturbation. Maybe they could lie next to each other in bed, and she gets off, or he helps her get off. There are other ways to make sure that people get their needs met. And I want people to start thinking more creatively about their sexuality and filling their desires.
ZZ: I actually don’t have much to add, but to answer his question directly—how important is sex in a relationship? It’s how important do you want it to be? What is your relationship with sex? You know, if you are asexual, sex is not important to you in the relationship. It’s actually something that you don’t want to have. And that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. So it’s about owning your relationship with sex and being able to communicate it. But for the man asking this question, you have a discrepancy here. Your wife wants sex more than you. So it’s working on finding that middle ground. Initially, finding the middle ground can feel daunting, but to your point, Emily, it becomes easier when you’re no longer focused on penetration the same way.
EM: Yup!
ZZ: All of a sudden, you have so many different options for how you can have various types of sex and how you can have various forms of intimacy—so see which things your wife would be open to and into. That way, you don’t feel like you have to be this fuck machine. You don’t feel like every single day, you have to be “on” while having sex. But still, at the same time, your wife’s needs are getting met. So it’s all about finding that middle ground.
EM: Exactly!
Watch the full conversation here:
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