How to Finger a Woman

WE NEED TO give a shoutout to an unsung hero in the bedroom: Fingering. Fingering can be super pleasurable for people with a vulva. We like to think of fingering not just as “foreplay,” but as a part of the main event. This is true with all sex acts. It deserves its moment to shine.

Fingering needs to be done well in order to produce good results. Bad digital stimulation isn’t just a huge turn-off; it can also be uncomfortable, or even painful. No one needs that on their journey to sexual bliss! Fortunately, if you study up on vulva anatomy, bring in copious amounts of lube, communicate with your partner, and are open to using some toys, you can get your fingering technique to top-tier levels.

What is fingering?

Before we dive into techniques, let’s get clear on what exactly fingering is. “Fingering” can refer to any form of digital stimulation in or on a partner’s genitals. This can include external clitoral stimulation, vaginal stimulation, or a combo of both. And, hey, you might even get some anal stimulation in there (but more on that later).

There are plenty of ways you can stimulate a partner’s vulva or vagina, but according to sex educator Tuck Malloy, fingers are among your best tools. “Many of us have more control over how to use our fingers than a toy or penis,” Malloy explains. “They are full of nerve endings, which makes them very good at feeling where things are and touching [vulvas] in specific ways.”

Every vulva is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all method when it comes to fingering. Still, there are a few universal pointers that could help you literally take your partner’s pleasure into your own hands.

As sex educator Luna Matatas says, “Fingers are the sex toys we always have on us.” So put them to use! Here’s how to get better at fingering.

Know Where You’re Going

Let’s start with a brief anatomy lesson. The vulva is made up of the pubic mound, the inner labia, the outer labia, the clitoris, the vaginal opening, and the perineum. These areas are all sensitive to touch, but there are a couple of pleasure centers that respond particularly well to digital stimulation: the clitoris and the G-spot.

The clitoris has around 10,000 nerve fibers, which is roughly double the number in a penis, and it’s probably larger than you think. Most people are familiar with the tiny nub at the top of the vulva (that’s the clitoral glans), but most of the clitoris is actually underneath the skin. The full structure runs along the sides of the vulva and extends up to five inches inside the body. You can stimulate the clitoris externally by stroking the glans or by gently pressing against the vulva, or you can stimulate it from inside the vagina by finding the G-spot.

According to a 2022 editorial published in the Sexual Medicine Reviews Journal, the G-spot is a pleasure center where five different structures meet: the clitoral crura; the clitoral bulb; the peri-urethral glands; the urethra; and the anterior vaginal wall. This area is about two inches inside the vagina on the front of the vaginal wall. You can find your partner’s G-spot by inserting one or two fingers when your partner is aroused and curling them towards the front of your partner’s body. If you feel a bump or a spongy texture, you’re in the right place!

The clitoris and the G-spot are the most well-known pleasure centers for vulva owners, but each person’s body is unique. Your partner might respond best to deep penetration, indirect clitoral stimulation, nipple stimulation, or something else. The best way to find their sweet spots is to pay attention to their physical and verbal cues.

How to Finger Someone

Now that you know your way around your partner’s vulva and vagina, you’re ready to start fingering!

Clean Up

No one wants your Dorito dust in their vagina! Before you start fingering your partner, wash your hands. “The vagina has its own bacterial ecosystem,” Matatas explains. “We want to reduce external bacteria the best we can.” Make sure your nails are trimmed and filed to avoid causing cuts or abrasions.

Ask Your Partner What They Like

“It’s always beneficial to start a sexual encounter with a check-in about any specific desires or limitations,” Malloy says. Even in the context of a long-term relationship, your partner’s body might crave different sensations on different days.

Don’t forget to maintain communication during sex, too. “Affirm that feedback is great, and show your enthusiasm for getting to discover how their body is going to respond,” Matatas says.

This is also a great time to check in with your partner about safer sex practices. If fingering is the only sex act on the menu, the risk of spreading or contracting an STI is low, but it’s not zero. If you have multiple partners, if one of you lives with a chronic STI, or if it’s been a while since either of you has been tested for STIs, wearing latex or nitrile gloves will ensure the safest possible fingering experience.

Warm Up

Going right for your partner’s clitoris or vagina might be a turn-off. “Lots of people find this to be a bit of a shock to their system,” Malloy says. Take some time to kiss and caress your partner before you get down to business. The more turned on your partner gets, the more sensitive their vulva will be.

Build Anticipation

Once you start making your way down south, build up your partner’s anticipation for pleasure. Teasing is a huge turn-on.

You want to have the clitoris be the end goal, but start on the outside of the vulva, working your way in. Caress the inner thighs, slowly drawing circles around them or moving your fingers up and down. Then, move your hand over the vulva, sliding your finger up and down the lips of the labia, slowly.

Do this until your partner can barely take it anymore. Keep the sensations light and gentle. This will get their sexual response going full-blast.

And if your partner is into it: You can even ask them to be patient like a “good girl.”

Try Vulva Cupping

Vulva cupping is a technique that some people find incredibly pleasurable. While facing your partner standing, take the cup of your hand and place it over the entire vulva, with your fingers pointing downwards. Gently press your palm into the vulva, using your other hand to pull your partner towards you by their lower back. You can also do this lying next to your partner in bed, using the mattress to hold them in place.

This can increase sensation and blood flow, helping the vulva and vagina engorge and become fully aroused. Plus, it’s very maddening for your partner in the very best way.

Use Lube

If your partner is a life-long vulva-owner, then their vagina might get moist when they’re turned on, but a little extra lubrication might make fingering more comfortable. “Lube inside and outside can reduce friction, which reduces stress on the vulva skin and vaginal tissue,” Matatas says.

A 2011 study found that in addition to making penetration easier, using lube actually enhances sexual pleasure for vulva-owners. Just make sure to check in with your partner about their lube preferences and allergies to specific ingredients before you lube up.

Remember that if your partner needs lubrication, it doesn’t mean they’re turned off by you or by the sex you’re having together. Medication, hormonal imbalances, menopause, stress, and dehydration can all decrease the vagina’s natural lubrication, and vulva-owners who have had gender confirmation surgery might produce very little lubrication or none at all. Plus, people with tight pelvic floor muscles or vaginal scar tissue might find that penetration is painful without additional lube. Some bodies just need a little help to slip n’ slide, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Start Slow

Before you dip into your partner’s vagina, focus on their clitoris and vulva. Of course, you can use your mouth if your partner enjoys oral sex, but your fingers might offer a little more versatility.

“Fingers are nimble—you can get into crevices, like the sides of the clitoris and labia, and you can adjust pressure and speed really easily,” Matatas says.

Gently stroke your partner’s labia, run a finger in circles around their clitoris, or provide direct clitoral stimulation if your partner wants a more intense sensation. You can also let your part grind against your palm or thigh to engage the crura, or the “legs” of the clitoris, which run along both sides of the vulva.

Stimulate Their G-Spot

Once your partner is ready for vaginal penetration, be gentle and start shallow with a single finger. You only have to insert your finger about two inches to reach your partner’s G-spot.

“Start with sliding one finger in slowly with the pad of your fingers rubbing along the front wall of the vagina towards the belly button,” Matatas says. Feel for tissue that’s spongy and firm. Once you’re in the right area, Malloy recommends pressing your finger towards your partner’s pubic bone in a “come hither” motion. Add more pressure, more speed, or more fingers if your partner asks for that, or try some gentle thrusting.

Consistent G-spot stimulation might facilitate squirting, which happens when vulva-owners release fluid through the urethra. If your partner already has experience with squirting or wants to try it out, throw down a towel and go for it. And remember—it’s not pee!

Go Deeper

Some bodies prefer shallow stimulation, but if your partner craves a fuller sensation, use your longest fingers to thrust deeper. Deeper penetration might stimulate your partner’s anterior fornix, or A-spot, an erogenous zone about four to six inches inside the vagina on the front of the vaginal wall.

To find your partner’s A-spot, move your fingers a few inches past their G-spot and gently press against different parts of their vaginal wall. If your partner physically or verbally responds with pleasure when you stimulate a specific area, stay put and keep going! If you’re having trouble finding your partner’s internal pleasure centers, Matatas recommends holding your fingers still while your partner thrusts against them.

If your partner likes lots of pressure and girth, you can also try giving them your whole hand. “Fisting can successfully stimulate many different sensitive areas in the vaginal canal at the same time, leading to intense, full body pleasure,” Malloy says.

If your partner wants to try fisting, make sure they’re adequately warmed up (a.k.a. you two have been going at it for a while) and use lots of lube. Press all of your fingers together in a “duck bill” shape and slowly insert them inside your partner’s vagina. It’s important to communicate with your partner the whole time and stop as soon as something hurts. If you can only insert your fingers, that’s fine! Your partner’s body will show you what it’s up for, and the added girth of four or five fingers might be all they need. If you’re able to insert your hand past the knuckles, you can then curl your hand into a fist. Allow your partner to thrust against your fist or gently move your wrist to provide rhythmic pressure against the front of the vaginal wall.

When your partner is ready to end the fisting session, uncurl your fingers and remove your hand slowly while your partner uses their pelvic floor muscles to help push your hand out.

Combine Fingering With Other Forms of Stimulation

For many vulva-owners, fingering feels best in combination with other forms of stimulation. In fact, a 2017 study published in the journal Sex and Marital Therapy found that only 18% of vulva-owners can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone.

“Many people enjoy oral stimulation to their vulva or anus while they receive fingering,” Matatas says. “Engaging nearby hotspots can increase intensity of sensations and levels of arousal.” Matatas also recommends pairing fingering with kissing, anal penetration, nipple play, dirty talk, or sex toys that can provide clitoral or anal stimulation.

While you practice fingering, remember that it might take a while to find the specific forms of stimulation that work for your partner. “There are a lot of ways to stimulate a vagina with fingers,” Malloy says. “Keep exploring and trying new things.”

Stay on Rhythm, if What You’re Doing is Working

This is where you’re going to need to pay attention to your partner’s verbal and physical cues most of all. If what you’re doing is really working for them and you’re getting a lot of “Oh, yes!” “Stay right there!”, wild hip thrusting, moaning etc.: DO NOT CHANGE WHAT YOU’RE DOING.

For the majority of people with a vulva, consistency is key in order to experience orgasm. When something is creating the right build-up, it needs to stay the same in order to create enough tension to get over the edge.

It can be tempting to get creative and try something different in order to “show off” your skills, but…don’t. Trust in what you’re doing and stay on course until your partner orgasms their face off.

Bring in Some Toys

Just because you’re fingering someone doesn’t mean there isn’t room for experimentation with toys. Using a clitoral vibrator on your partner’s clitoris while you use your other hand to stimulate the G-spot can be just the combination needed to get them over the edge.

Or, you could use a sucking toy on their clitoris while you stimulate the G-spot with your fingers. If this is all a bit too much multitasking, your partner can use the clitoral vibrator on themselves while you work the G-spot manually.

You can also use a G-spot wand internally in the vagina while using your other hand to stimulate the clitoris. This can give your partner deep internal vibration that stimulates the entire clitoral body in a unique and pleasurable way.

Combo orgasms are a game-changer. Remember, toys are your teammates, not your adversaries.