BELIEVE IT OR NOT, French kissing used to be kinky as hell. Today, it may seem like just another box to check on our way to bed, but as journalist Sheril Kirshenbaum writes in The Science of Kissing, Americans weren’t mashing tongue together until after World War I. (“French kiss” entered the vernacular in 1923.)
Turns out it took another global crisis—like, say, a pandemic—to usher in another big shift in what we consider kinky. Men’s Health asked 1,229 American men a bunch of questions about how they’re getting it on these days, and our survey results reveal that the past two years have been a hotbed of sexual and romantic experimentation.
You might think you’re alone in having shelled out for a sex toy (or three), discovered the wonders of butt play, or braved your first threesome. But our SurveyMonkey data proves such choices are increasingly vanilla. “What’s ‘taboo’ is going to be different now than it was before,” says MH advisor Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a researcher at the Kinsey Institute. But how different, exactly? And what even counts as kinky? Let’s dive in.
ONE REASON FOR ALL THIS WILD SEX? STRESS.
“WHEN WE’RE STRESSED, it’s often harder to feel desire or to stay in the moment, because our mind is distracted and wandering,” Lehmiller says. “Trying something new can create this immersive experience that lets us be in the moment and raises sexual arousal.”
Boredom might have played a role, too. (There are only so many backyard sheds one man can build.) For those who suddenly had less busy schedules during lockdown, the free time “gave them this opportunity to really engage in some sexual liberation,” he says.
RYAN OLBRYSH
IT PAYS OFF TO GET DOWN IN NEW WAYS.
GUYS WHO’VE experimented in the bedroom during the pandemic—from BDSM to hooking up with someone of a different gender—rate themselves as more satisfied both carnally (on a basic sexual level) and emotionally (as in feeling more romantic).
HOT TIP: HOW TO TELL A PARTNER YOU WANT TO TRY SOMETHING NEW
REMEMBER TO PUT them first, says Shamyra Howard, L.C.S.W., an MH advisor, who suggests asking a playful, open-ended question like “If we were to role-play a sexy situation, what would you want to do?” Think of it like foreplay: Go slow, don’t push, and no judgment.
NOT ALL SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS HAVE TO BE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE.
EVEN IF GUYS aren’t exploring ethical nonmonogamy (aka open relationships) in droves, a bunch are at least curious. Trying it could have benefits: Men who took up ENM during the pandemic report increased sexual and romantic satisfaction.
WHAT FORMS OF ENM HAVE YOU TRIED?
A partner and I have had a threesome, foursome, or other form of group sex.
A partner and I have hit up a sex party.
A partner and I have swapped with another couple.
A partner and/or I have independently seen other sexual partners on the side.
I’ve had multiple romantic relationships at the same time.
I’ve been in a throuple, quad, or other polyamorous unit.
RYAN OLBRYSH
ONE MAN’S TABOO IS ANOTHER MAN’S MAINSTREAM.
“ONE METRIC SOME sex researchers have used to categorize sexual interests and behaviors as ‘common’ is whether they are shared by more than 50 percent of the population,” Lehmiller says.
The popularity of interests varies between groups. For instance, receiving butt play would be nbd for 18% of white men, 12% of Asian American men, and 11% of Black men. MH advisor Howard says the act can be linked to “being gay” in Black communities, which may lead to underreporting. “Butt play has no sexual orientation,” she says. “A butt is a butt.”
WHAT’S HOT AND WHERE TO FIND IT: YOUR REGIONAL GUIDE TO KINK
THE MOUNTAIN REGION
Is down for using a sex toy alone (27%) and cuckolding (12%).
EAST NORTH CENTRAL
Is down for role play (35%), BDSM (20%), and threesomes (17%).
WEST SOUTH CENTRAL
Is down for being on the giving end of butt play (31%).
EAST SOUTH CENTRAL
Is down for dirty talk (44%).
TABOO AND MAINSTREAM MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
80% OF GUYS describe their sexual interests and mainstream— but here’s what these supposedly vanilla guys are really willing to do.
(The bigger the word, the more guys who said they’d be open to it.)
50-SOMETHINGS ARE THE FREAKIEST.
GUYS IN THEIR 50s are more likely than those in any other age group to be down for using a sex toy with a partner (39%), BDSM (18%), and receiving butt play (23%). They’re also more likely to be doing ENM right now (10%). Howard says older Americans report happier sex lives because they’re able to communicate their needs better than younger people and “they’ve been around the block,” so they have a better sense of what they’re into.
Here’s what guys are into if they make . . .
LESS THAN $50K A YEAR
Most likely to be down with dirty tallk (38%).
$100K TO $149K A YEAR
Most likely to be down with using a sex toy with a partner (39%).
MORE THAN $200K A YEAR
Most likely to be down with exhibitionsim. (21%).
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