I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I don’t want to have an FFM threesome with my boyfriend of eight months—I don’t want to have an FFM threesome ever. Unfortunately, my boyfriend really, REALLY wants one. He’s 51 and has been divorced twice. (I’m a 24-year-old woman).
I tend to be submissive in bed and consider myself a pleaser, so it’s in my sexual nature to try things I may not be particularly interested in to please my partner, but this one really just rubs me the wrong way. It sounds terrible, not to mention boring, and I have zero interest in interacting sexually with a woman.
The double standard is also bothering me. If I asked him, a straight man, to have sex with another man for my pleasure, it would be an immediate no. It feels like women are expected to be heteroflexible for men’s pleasure, and that expectation does not go both ways. Also, we haven’t even had one threesome yet, and he’s already made it clear that he wants threesomes to be a regular part of our relationship. I’ve repeatedly said that I don’t want to.
I’ve brought up the idea of an open relationship, but it’s a hard no for him. He says he really wants to do this with me. Do you have any advice on what I should do? Do I owe it to him, myself, or our relationship to at least try it? Do you have any advice for how straight women can have sex with women?
—Please God, No Threesomes
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Dear Please God, No Threesomes,
Do not acquiesce to having a threesome with your boyfriend. If you don’t want to do something sexual, you should never feel pressured into doing so. Coercion is not consent.
There’s a difference between being what sex columnist Dan Savage coined as “good, giving, and game”—or GGG—and doing something you have no desire to do whatsoever. Generally, it’s a positive trait to be open to trying new things and being sexually motivated to please your partner, but that doesn’t mean you should have zero boundaries or hard limits.
It sounds to me like you’re confusing sexual submission with conceding to sexual pressure. When I showed your question to sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, she said, “Submission, as a role, is an active position that brings you pleasure. And in return, your partner honors the gift of your submission, and respects your boundaries.” Your situation doesn’t meet either of those criteria.
Your boyfriend isn’t respecting your boundaries, and frankly, I’m worried about you and your relationship. While I’m not inherently opposed to relationships with a large age gap— assuming everyone is over the age of consent—there’s a lot more that can go wrong when one person is significantly older.
“Age differences often create an imbalance of power, with the older partner having structural or procedural dominance over the younger partner,” Francis says. “This often happens without a conscious intention, however can be really harmful for both parties if they are not attentive to the lack of peerage that typically comes with large age differences in a partnership.”
Whether it has anything to do with age or not, I can say with 100% certainty that your boyfriend is being a manipulative asshole.
To your point, imagine if the situation were reversed, and you were asking your boyfriend to have an MMF threesome. I have a strong inclination that he would shut down your request as unreasonable. Culturally, women have been expected—even conditioned—to perform queerness for the male gaze, but the opposite isn’t true. That’s not just because women’s bodies are fetishized; it’s because many men have and continue to see women as sex objects. From the sound it, you boyfriend may solely, or at least predominantly, see you as a vessel for his pleasure.
As for whether you owe it to yourself to try it: NO! You can’t force attraction. Think of all the gay men who’ve “tried” to be straight. Fun fact, they’re still gay. So no, I have no advice for how you, a straight woman, can have sex with other women. But I can advise you on how to proceed with your relationship: break up. This guy doesn’t respect your “no,” which means he doesn’t respect you. You need to be with someone who does.
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