My BF’s Mom Found My OnlyFans. She Isn’t Happy.

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.

This is an edited and condensed transcription from last week’s “Sexplain It Live,” which was recorded on Men’s Health‘s Instagram. I was joined by Adam D. Blum, MFT, a licensed psychotherapist and the founder of the Gay Therapy Center.

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I want to get better at casual sex, but I don’t know how. Sex is always so serious and intimate for me. I end up getting attached. But I want to get better at casual sex because I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of the fun parts of gay culture.

AB: Well, my first response to that is: Can you accept the fact that maybe you are a person who loves connected sex with people? Because that’s okay! There can be a lot of pressure in the gay community to be really into casual sex because you hear a lot about it. And for some people, it’s fun, but it may not be for you, and that’s okay!

ZZ: Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. Is your desire to do this just because you feel like you should? Because when you put “shoulds” into any sexual equation, that’s a recipe for disaster. I also hear an element of FOMO, or fear of missing out. You hear about other people who have great casual sex encounters, and therefore, you really want it, but if you’re hardwired differently, it’s not going to be enjoyable for you. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You’re not missing out. Instead, if you reframe it to “Ooh, I’m gonna have more deep, intimate sex than these people, and that’s awesome,” I think that’d be a good way to look at it. Lastly, don’t feel pressured by friends to get on Grindr or Scruff. Lean into the fact that this is what sex means to you, and that’s completely okay.

AB: Yeah. A good question to ask yourself is: Would you feel FOMO if all your gay friends were stamp collectors and you weren’t? Probably not, right? There’s a charge to sex. We feel like we really have to be good at casual sex, and that’s simply not true. We’re all built differently. Now, if you decide you really do want it, and you’re not just responding to some kind of peer pressure, then I would advise you to start slow and set some limits. So maybe you would try setting a limit by saying, “Hey, I just wanna stay fully clothed and make out with you.” Put that desire on social media or on an app and see how that goes. Do you like it? Do you feel comfortable? Do you feel safe doing that? Is it fun? Then go from there.

ZZ: Yeah, exactly. If you do want to try having more casual encounters, you don’t have to immediately get railed by fifteen guys from Grindr. Slow and steady wins the race here. You can start by making out or just doing oral. You can start by doing other stuff. For what it’s worth, I think that casual sex is more intimidating in the beginning. And with each successful or even mediocre encounter you have, as long as it’s not a negative encounter, it gets a lot easier. You get more comfortable. So I think the first few times will be a little bit more nerve-wracking, and then you will get the hang of it.

My boyfriend’s mom discovered my OnlyFans. Don’t ask me how! But my boyfriend told me she is really upset and pushing for us to break up. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, and he wouldn’t break up with me just because his mom wants him to—at least, I don’t think so. But I’m just worried about upcoming family events where I’ll be interacting with her. What do I say? Do I address it? Do I not?

AB: I think the most important thing for this person is to get clear in their own confidence and to feel good about what they’re doing. Feel proud about being on OnlyFans, right? Because that guilt—that shame—is gonna impact how you interact with your partner’s family. So as you’re entering into this, first, focus on building up your own sense of confidence about what you do and why you do it. Now that said, you are probably not the best person positioned to have this conversation. This is the mother’s son’s job. They have a bond you’ll never have, right? So he should be the one to take on the heavy lifting with this conversation. And if this family is more open—if this mom is open to real dialogue—great! It’s your boyfriend’s job to find that out. He could ask his mom if she wants to learn more about this or if she has any questions she’d like answered. If she says, “Yes, I really wanna understand,” well then maybe you could get involved in a direct conversation with her, but if she says, “Oh no! I don’t wanna talk about it,” and she gets very defensive, well, you have that information. At the end of the day, this is between you and your boyfriend, and it’s up to him to decide if you’re the right person for him.

ZZ: Yeah, exactly. I don’t think that you should corner her at the next family gathering and say, “So I know you saw my OnlyFans…” No, don’t bring it up. This is really your partner’s job. And if he doesn’t advocate for you, I would be a little bit concerned. That doesn’t mean his mom’s gonna immediately turn around in this 180-degree fashion and be okay with it, but I think it’s important for him to say to her, once they’ve had the initial talk answering her questions, “Hey, I know he has an OnlyFans. I still love him. I still want to be with him. We’re sex-positive in this household. I just wanna let you know!” And I mean, everyone and their mother got an OnlyFans during Covid when they were let go from their jobs. I mean, except this mother. And I’m going to be real with you: It will be awkward at the next few family gatherings. You may only say a few words to her, and that’s fine. Eventually, that awkwardness will pass…hopefully.

AB: Yeah, a key piece is how your boyfriend handles all this. If he doesn’t defend you—if he doesn’t take the lead on this issue with his mom—that’s a problem. It’s kind of a test in the relationship right now. Is he willing to put your needs ahead of his mother’s needs in this dynamic? If he is, that’s a good sign. If not, I’d be concerned about that.

ZZ: Yeah, absolutely!