You’ve probably heard the term “bisexual” before, meaning that someone is attracted to two (or more) genders. People often say “bisexual” when they’re referring to both romantic and sexual attraction, but technically, it’s a way of labeling who you’re down to hop in the sheets with—and that doesn’t always align with who you’re romantically attracted to. For example, someone might be sexually interested in people of one gender, but romantically interested in multiple genders.
“Biromantic” is the term people may use when they are romantically interested in more than one gender. If you only want to have sex only with people of your gender, but you’re open to loving people of multiple genders, you might be gay and biromantic. You can also be biromantic and heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, demisexual…you get the point.
Feeling incredibly seen right now? Or maybe you want to learn more? Here’s everything you need to know about what it means to be biromantic.
Why does differentiating between bisexuality and biromanticism matter?
In TV shows and movies, we often see straight couples who are both romantically and sexually attracted to each other, which is a pretty exclusionary perspective. In real life, someone might be happily dating a partner they’re not sexually into, but whom they love deeply. Until we have that representation in the media, we can have it from words like “biromantic.” Specific, accurate terminology can help people find a romantic relationship that feels affirming and right for them.
“This specificity can help avoid miscommunications with people with whom the biromantic individual may want to be romantically, but not sexually, involved,” says Maddy Brener, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist with Thriveworks in San Diego who specializes in LGBTQIA+ issues. “For example, someone on the asexual spectrum would not call themselves bisexual, but if they are romantically interested in [or] attracted to people of two or more genders, they want to be able to clearly communicate that as they seek potential partners and relationships.”
Brener knows a young woman who feels romantic attraction to people of various genders, and has fallen in love with men, but only feels sexual attraction to stereotypically feminine-presenting people with a vulva. Brener recalls the woman saying, “The distinction is important to me, because in my case, I’ve fallen in love with men, and those experiences were very real, but sex was just not happening … Just because I wasn’t able to have sex [with men] doesn’t mean I wasn’t completely head over heels in love.”
How can I tell if I’m biromantic (and not panromantic)?
The first step is knowing what romantic feelings feel like, and how to distinguish them from sexual and platonic feelings—which can be tricky. Brener shared some potential signs that can serve as a starting point for identifying romanticism.
“Such activities include (but are not limited to) snuggling, holding hands, going on romantic dates, exchanging romantic words, sharing a bed, [and] being in a committed relationship,” she says. She explains these activities will feel different from how they would with someone you want platonic intimacy with.
If you’re interested in engaging in those things with two or more genders, you might be biromantic.
You might also want to explore the term “panromantic.” Generally, panromanticism is defined as being romantically interested in someone regardless of their gender. The two identities are similar, so just go with the term that feels right to you. That may be panromantic, biromantic, or both—as with “bisexual” and “pansexual,” some people see them as different terms, while others see them as interchangeable.
Ultimately, you get to decide how you identify. Figuring out who you are can take time, and that’s OK! Try to not be too hard on yourself or rush the process.
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How can you comfortably tell a romantic interest that you’re biromantic?
Coming out as biromantic can be scary, especially if you’re worried the person you’re interested in won’t be understanding.
Brener recommends first considering why you’re nervous. Sometimes, those feelings can be coming from internalized shame. “Has your partner ever rejected other elements of your identity, or are they generally supportive?” Brener asks. “Have you been met by rejection by others, and worry your partner will do the same—even if, realistically, that doesn’t sound like them? Is it possible that you are projecting your own internalized ‘-isms’ about your identity?”
Social support groups, which are abundant on places like Facebook and Reddit, might also be helpful if you’re struggling with how to come out.
The specifics of the conversation come down to your needs. Do you feel most comfortable saying it over the phone? Do you want to first let them know what your boundaries are regarding how they respond? Or do you need to just dump them because they’re biphobic? (Hey, it’s a fair option!)
How can I affirm my partner’s identity as biromantic?
On the flip side of the coin, what if your partner comes out as biromantic?
“As with any other factor of someone’s identity, especially elements which tend to be marginalized and misunderstood, it is important to approach their experience with openness,” Brener says. “Don’t be afraid to ask questions, but also make it a priority to do your own (responsibly sourced) research.”
Educating yourself on misconceptions is a great first step. You should know, for starters, that a partner coming out as biromantic doesn’t mean you aren’t “enough” for them, and that biromantic people aren’t “greedy” or “just going through a phase.”
If your partner says they’re afraid you’ll reject them, Brener suggests asking yourself why they might feel that way (and answering honestly). Do you need to work on repairing your relationship with them and educating yourself? Are you two not the best fit? These are important pieces she recommends thinking about for your well-being and your partner’s.
Here’s the bottom line: Biromanticism isn’t a problem. “[None of this means] that romanticism is inherently a phase or indicative of something that needs to be fixed, treated, or cured,” Brener says. “Like any other facet of identity, being biromantic may be static or more fluid, and is entirely valid and worthy of support either way.”
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