I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 12 years, and he has been into wearing women’s underwear and being pegged pretty much from the start. It does nothing for me sexually, as I’m a straight woman, but it completely trips his switches, so I just went along with it.
Now he has confided in me that he wants to have sex with another man while they’re both dressed as women and wants to start to dress like a woman more around the house and maybe go for nights out. I really want to be supportive, and I’ve helped him choose a name, bought his first fully female outfit, helped him with hair and makeup, etc.
I am really trying to be OK with it, but I’m not sexually attracted to him when he’s like this, so the idea of it becoming a daily thing is making me really anxious. He says he loves me and that we are soul mates. I love him, but I don’t love ‘her.’ Now he wants to bring a man into our relationship but says he isn’t gay or bisexual or trans? Yet he has little interest in me unless it’s oral or anal? I am so conflicted and confused and beginning to dread any mention of “going to bed.”
—Str8 up confused
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Dear Str8 Up Confused,
Whether or not your partner is trans, he’s clearly on an explorative gender journey. (I’m going to keep using he/him pronouns, since those are the pronouns he seems to be using, based on your letter.) He wants to present as a woman outside of the bedroom and use a female name. You also mention he’s not into vaginal sex; while I’m not in the business of telling other people what their gender is, I can’t help but wonder if that form of penetration might trigger feelings of gender dysphoria for him.
Reading between the lines of your letter, I think your worries are less about fixing your sex life and more about navigating a future where you’re not attracted to the person you’re set to marry. You say it here: “He says he loves me and that we are soul mates. I love him, but I don’t love ‘her.'”
I’m here to tell you: That’s okay. It’s clear that you want to support him as he figures out who he is, but you’re allowed to say “no” to bringing another man into your relationship, along with any other sexual activities you’re not into. You’re also allowed to break up with him if you know you’re not compatible anymore, and never will be.
Breaking up doesn’t make you a bad person or mean that you’re not supporting him. It simply means you’re not meant to be together; he deserves to be with someone who can’t wait to peg him, and you deserve a partner you’re sexually attracted to.
I asked Ty David Lerman (he/him), MA, LPC-S, CST if he’s had any patients in a similar predicament to you, and how their relationship turned out. He recalled a scenario where a seemingly cisgender, heterosexual couple were married for many years and had a child together. Then, “The husband came to terms with being trans and began her journey of transitioning,” he says. “Where the cis-wife was fully supportive of her spouse doing what she felt was right for her, she also owned her truth that she was not a lesbian and did not want to be married to a woman, and they found an amicable separation and happily co-parent their child as two moms.”
While we don’t know if your partner will ever identify as trans, your situation is similar in that you’ve found yourself engaged to a person you don’t want to marry, despite loving them deeply. You can still be friends who love each other platonically!
I know it must be disappointing to realize this 12 years into a relationship. It will also be difficult to call off the wedding (if you’ve already been planning it), but it’s much better to do this now than to continue living a life in which you’re both deprived of what you truly want.
Let’s go back to that line you wrote: “I love him, but I don’t love ‘her.’” I think you still do love “her,” but you don’t want to be a in a romantic or sexual relationship with her. That’s totally valid. While there’s a decent chance you end up losing a fiancé, you’ll hopefully make a new best friend.
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