I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
When I go to a party or some other event where I could potentially meet a new partner (not a sex party, but say, a friend’s house party or a night out at a local bar), I always want to flag that I’m open to new connections even though I’m also married. But when you first meet someone and introduce yourself, it’s weird to be like, “Yes, this is my wife, but I also date and sleep with other people.” But I feel like I have to say something. Otherwise, I’m immediately written off as monogamous and “off the market.” So what’s something better I could say?
— On The Market
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Dear On The Market,
There are a few reasons why most non-monogamous people tend to befriend other non-monogamous people and build large polyamorous communities, and a big one is how awkward and unlikely it is to meet like-minded people in primarily monogamous spaces—i.e., most of society. Remember, most people chilling at your average bar aren’t polyamorous, let alone open to getting drinks with someone who has a wife.
If you come out and tell people you’re poly right off the bat, there’s not only a good chance the other person won’t be interested; you also run the very real risk of being ridiculed or harassed. And even if they’re not jerks, they may proceed to ask a million invasive questions about non-monogamy that you didn’t come to the bar looking to answer.
So, my first piece of advice to you is to look at these casual events as opportunities to meet new friends, as opposed to new partners. You’ll have way better luck finding people who are down to date a married man on non-monogamous apps like Feeld, at sex parties, or at polyamorous meet-ups.
That said, you had a specific question about how you should convey your relationship style when you meet people out in the primarily-monogamous world. To answer your question, I don’t think you should mention it right off the bat—the same way I’d never suggest a single monogamous person go up to attractive strangers and say, “Hi! Just so you know, I’m single right now and open to dating!” Regardless of your ideal relationship style, your best bet when it comes to making new connections is to send out subtle cues, read the room, and feel your way forward.
I asked polyamory educator Leanne Yau (a.k.a. Poly Philia) for advice on how to weave your polyamory into regular conversation. “It doesn’t have to be a big announcement or admission,” she said. “It could be something as simple as mentioning your wife was on a date the other night or making references to multiple partners if you have them.”
Odds are, they’ll respond with something that indicates if they’re open to non-monogamy or not. When I weave it into conversation that I’m polyamorous, folks often respond with: “I don’t think I could ever do that. I’d be too jealous.” Or, they go off on a long anti-polyamory tirade. When that’s the case, I have a clear answer: nope. On the flip side, I’ve had intrigued folks say they’ve always been curious about polyamory. They then proceed to ask some questions, which I do my best to answer. Those folks, I may decide to ask out. Sometimes they say yes, and sometimes they decline.
I realize everything would be easier if you could just know from the get-go whether they’re open to dating a married dude, but incompatibility is always a risk when two strangers start talking—and it could happen for a million reasons. Sometimes you flirt with someone all night, only to learn they’re monogamous and in a relationship. Or you think you’re connecting with someone, only to discover they have some appalling political view that doesn’t jive with your values! That’s just what it’s like to meet and date new people. It’s a game of trial and error, whether you’re poly or not.
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