I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.
This is an edited and condensed transcription from last week’s “Sexplain It Live,” which was recorded on Men’s Health‘s Instagram. I was joined by Professor Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, Ph.D.
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My boyfriend of a year just told me he’s been cheating on me for months with various guys on Grindr. I had no idea. He said he’s telling me because he feels guilty and wants to re-commit to me and make our relationship work, but I don’t know. How do I know if I should take him back? I find it scary that I had absolutely no idea he was cheating on me for MONTHS.
ZZ: That’s scary! It is nerve-wracking learning how easily your partner lied to you over the course of months. This is tough!
TS: Yeah, And for most people after a betrayal, the sex part was less hurtful. The more hurtful part was the betrayal—the lies, the hiding. But to answer his question, “Do I take him back?” The answer is don’t take him back, yet. I would have a conversation again, and if you think he’s for real—he really wants to recommit—I would literally sit down and have a full conversation about why he cheated. Because a lot of people are polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous in nature, but they feel forced to “fit in” to monogamy. So they’re trying to fit into a monogamous relationship when, in fact, that’s just not the way they should be operating. If you decide to take him back, and that’s a big if, perhaps you try out an open or monogamish relationship. There’s nothing wrong with changing relational structures. Perhaps it’s something to consider. What do you think?
ZZ: It’s tough. There is an opportunity to rebuild your relationship stronger. Any couple’s therapist will say that infidelity offers a chance to analyze what’s working and not in your relationship. But you need to figure out what the root of his infidelity was. Was he not feeling connected to you? Was he not feeling appreciated by you? Were you guys constantly yelling? Usually, infidelity is a result of a larger issue. Right? So whether the issue is that he’s actually someone who’s more open relationship-oriented, or he was just feeling really dissatisfied in your relationship or with your sex life, get to the root of it and work on that. At this point, it’s an opportunity to lay everything out on the table.
TS: Yeah.
ZZ: Be as brutally honest as you want to be because that’s the only way things are gonna get fixed. That said, you might not want to do all that. I can’t make this decision for you. However, for what it’s worth, I, personally, would not take him back.
TS: Yeah.
ZZ: If he got drunk and cheated once, it’s fine. But he’s been doing this with multiple men repeatedly and has been lying to you. I feel like I would not be able to trust him again. So if you think you can reach a place where you can trust him again, and you think it’s worth it, and you believe what he’s saying, then you can put in the work, but—
TS: But it IS work! And I’m not sure if it’s work you want to put in.
ZZ: Also, you’ve only been dating a year. This is not a 20-year relationship. You don’t have kids; you don’t live in the same place.
TS: Start fresh!
ZZ: Yeah, screw it! Start fresh. Unless this man really is your dream person in every way, shape, and form, I really don’t think it’s worth it to put in this work.
TS: Period.
ZZ: Period! Done! Dump his ass. So I guess my advice, in the end, is to not take him back!
Watch the full conversation here:
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