I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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I have a very small penis: like 3 inches when it’s hard. The partner I am with now, with whom I have a 10-month-old, is 10 years younger than me. She is 28, and she is absolutely stunning. Everywhere we go, people are always looking at her as if she could have any man in the world.
Anyway, I have a problem that is making me ill and causing me to not sleep. She had 12 sexual partners before me, and her last one was very, very big. I was recently told 9 inches when flaccid by her friend at the pub. When we got home that night, and my partner was trying to get it on [sexually] with me, I said that I can’t do it. I asked, “What’s the point? I’m nothing compared to him.”
She flipped out on me. She said she’s never had orgasms like she has with me, and she was being so serious about it. I have noticed that when we’re having sex, she always has at least one orgasm every time—often more—and we have sex almost every day of the week. She genuinely loves having sex with me and gets so wet and horny. But do you think that she would enjoy it even more if I had a big dick? She says I’m perfect as is, but is that actually possible?
— Micropenis
Dear Micropenis,
I’m going to be real with you: I wanted to pull my hair out reading your question. While insecurities about having a smaller penis are valid because we live in a world where people are obsessed with large dicks—to the point where some folks refuse to date people with smaller penises—that’s clearly not your partner. She doesn’t care that you’re not packing a Tommy gun in your pants, because you know how to make her feel amazing with what you’ve got. Kudos!
You don’t even have to take her word for it because you have cold, hard evidence. (Or, in your case—warm, soft evidence.) She’s wet and cums at least once during sex. You also have sex nearly every day, and she’s initiating sex, so clearly, she wants you. (How you’re having this much satisfying sex with a ten-month-old in the house is astounding. Perhaps you should be writing this column.)
Also, as for whether her feelings are “actually possible”: let’s not forget that some women actually prefer smaller penises. The vaginal canal is typically around 4-5 inches when aroused. So if you’re coming in hot with a 7-inch peen or more, it could potentially cause your partner pain.
ANYWAY. All evidence points to the fact that she likes having sex with you and thinks your penis size is “perfect as is”—and yet, you’re still up all night doubting her feelings for you. That tells me your actual problem isn’t your partner’s satisfaction but your own anxiety.
It’s up to you to figure out how to fix it. I can tell you that your penis size clearly doesn’t matter to your partner—in fact, that’s exactly what I’m doing—but I doubt you will believe me. You didn’t even believe your partner, the person who’s having sex with you! Whether a partner previously shamed you for having a small dick, or you’re a billionaire who’s afraid she only likes you for your money, a therapist can help you get to the root of your insecurity—and overcome it.
In the meantime, try reframing the way you’re thinking about your situation. The fact that your partner loves your three-inch peen isn’t a sign that she’s lying to you. It’s a sign that you know how to please her. Trust me, if you can’t do that, it doesn’t matter how big your dick is.
Contributing Editor
Zachary Zane is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and editor-in-chief of the BOYSLUT Zine, which publishes nonfiction erotica from kinksters across the globe. He writes “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health, and is the co-author of Men’s Health Best. Sex. Ever. His work has been featured in New York Times, Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and more.
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