I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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My husband and I have been together for nearly 10 years, and let me start by saying our sex life had always been good but not great—satisfying at best. Due to ED, he had issues with maintaining an erection now and again, but almost three years ago, sex just completely stopped. The Viagra had stopped working, and due to multiple “hang-ups,” my husband would not perform most other sex acts. This has been very hard on me because it has left me feeling unwanted and undesired.
Last week we finally started seeing a counselor that specializes in marriage and sex therapy. During our second counseling session, my husband admitted to being asexual. It is not ME that he doesn’t desire; it is SEX that he doesn’t desire. AT ALL! He has known this about himself for many years and never felt it necessary to let me know?! Whatever sex we did have was just a performance. He performed what he thought I wanted and did it only to please me and not because he wanted to.
This has left me feeling betrayed and fooled. The thought of him touching me when he has no desire makes me feel gross! I should have had a choice if I wanted to be in a marriage that would likely end up sexless, and he took that choice from me.
I have asked my husband to open our marriage so I can get my sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and he responded with a hard no. I don’t want to leave him for someone else. I don’t want to love someone else. But my mental and sexual health are being neglected. How do I get him to see my point of view? I find it wild that he is literally willing to give up the rest of our life together over sex that he doesn’t even want himself.
—Sexually Duped
Dear Sexually Duped,
First, I’m sorry you’re feeling “gross” and deceived. But please know you aren’t gross for having had sex with your husband before you knew he was asexual. As for being deceived? Sadly, you were. While I sympathize with how hard it can be for some folks to come out as asexual, the fact remains that he hid this pertinent information from you, and led you to believe that you could have a sexually fulfilling marriage. You trusted your husband, and by omitting this information, he lied to you.
So, before we get to the open relationship stuff, I’m wondering: Do you think you’ll ever forgive your husband for not telling you about this? If the answer is no, then you need to divorce. You can’t be in a relationship where you’re resentful and distrustful of your spouse.
If you think you can forgive him, that’s great—but next, you need to ask yourself if you could be happy in a sexless monogamous marriage for the rest of your life. Because when it comes to getting him to see your point of view, the answer is…you can’t. You can only tell him what you told me: that you feel lied to and hurt, and that you’ll need other sex partners to feel mentally and physically satisfied in life. Tell him, “I think this would save our marriage, not threaten it.” (Since you already have a couple’s therapist, feel free to lay it all out on the table at your next session.)
I bet he fears that if you open up your marriage, you’ll leave him for someone you’re having sex with. (Even though it’s clear from your question that you don’t want to leave him, this kind of insecurity is common among men considering non-monogamous relationships.) The point is, he may never see your point of view—and if you decide that a sexless monogamous marriage isn’t for you, then you need to ask for a divorce.
While I’m generally not a fan of ultimatums, sometimes, they are necessary. After 10 years together—and given how much you clearly love him—I suspect your husband doesn’t think you’ll actually try to leave him. He thinks you’ll stay in this sexless marriage because it is familiar and safe, even though it’s unsatisfying. Asking for a divorce may prompt him to open up, but if it doesn’t, you know what you have to do.
Sexually Duped, it is scary to end a marriage after 10 years, and I’m sure the thought of being single right now is extremely daunting. But there’s never a guarantee you can change someone’s mind. The only thing in your control is doing what’s right for you—and I really, really don’t think you will be fulfilled sexually or otherwise remaining in a monogamous marriage with this man.
Contributing Editor
Zachary Zane is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and editor-in-chief of the BOYSLUT Zine, which publishes nonfiction erotica from kinksters across the globe. He writes “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health, and is the co-author of Men’s Health Best. Sex. Ever. His work has been featured in New York Times, Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and more.
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