I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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My husband and I recently went through a 6-month dry spell. (No particular reason—just work stress, busy schedules, etc.) When we finally addressed the elephant in the room, we decided to try watching porn to get in the mood again. We’ve done it a few times now, but the issue is that he watches the porn with an eagle eye the entire time we’re having sex. No matter what position we’re in, he looks at the screen and not at me. This is the least connected sex I’ve ever had, and it’s doing nothing for me. I actually feel kinda icky after we have sex. I’m not sure what to do because maybe this is what he needs now. And we’re finally having sex again. I don’t want to rock the boat.
—Unsatisfied Wife
Dear Unsatisfied Wife,
You’re allowed to have sexual needs and to voice them to your husband. Having a conversation with him about how sex can be more pleasurable and meaningful to you should not “rock the boat.” (If you worry that it will because your husband tends to dismiss your needs or gets angry or guilts you for having them, that’s a much larger issue to address.)
I think you need to have a conversation with him outside of the bedroom when neither of you is feeling particularly stressed or agitated. Ask him if it’s a good time to have a serious talk about your sex life. If he says it is, go ahead and say something along the lines of: “I’m thrilled we’re having sex again and want to continue doing so! But there’s one small thing I’d like to change. While I’m open to watching porn together, I’ve noticed that you focus on the video the entire time we have sex, and that you don’t make eye contact or kiss me. It makes me feel disconnected from you and icky, which I know isn’t your intent. More focus on each other would make sex a lot more pleasurable and meaningful for me. I was thinking that we could start by watching porn together, but after a video, turn it off and focus on each other? What do you think?”
It’s important that you don’t guilt him or get angry at him, because you don’t want him to get defensive. You want to present this as an issue you’re going to tackle as a team. Stress that you’re not “taking away” his porn, since you know he likes it. Rather, you’re attempting to find a middle ground where watching porn works for both of you.
While you’re on the topic of making sex more pleasurable for you, now’s a good time to share if there are other things you’d like to try. Sex toys? Oral? New positions? A little impact play? You can simply say, “I actually have some other desires in addition to watching porn that I think would be really fun for us to try. Would you like to hear?” After you share your desires, see if there are any additional things he may want to explore. Your current dilemma may end up opening the door to a host of new sexual discoveries.
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