IF ASKED, I imagine anyone would say they want to have the most pleasurable sex possible. But there is a reason why everyone isn’t having incredible sex: It requires communication, vulnerability, and knowing—owning—what you like. So when you’re having average or slightly above average sex, which can still feel good, it’s easier to continue having that type of sex instead of putting in the work to make it superb. It’s like how it’s easier to make significant changes in your life when things are going poorly, but when things are going “fine,” it becomes a lot harder to implement change.
It also takes a ton of courage for a straight, cis man to tell his straight, cis girlfriend, “I want to explore my back door.” She might assume this desire means he’s secretly gay or bi. She may even leave him at the mere suggestion of it. Yes, that is a real risk. Women can buy into masculine tropes, too; many believe that guys aren’t “real men” if they like a pinky (or more) in the booty. Even if they don’t think their partner is sexually interested in men, they still might think less of him for wanting to take on a more traditionally submissive sexual role.
Evidently, homophobia affects everyone—even straight, cis couples trying to have good sex. But fun fact: You can be 100 percent straight and like getting pegged, and more straight men enjoy this than you might think. Prostate stimulation has nothing to do with sexual orientation, but it has all to do with powerful orgasms. It is a matter of anatomy—of science.
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Frankly, it’s ridiculous that, culturally, bottoming somehow implies submission (regardless of sexual orientation). I have topped 250-pound power bottoms, and there is absolutely nothing feminine or submissive about these dudes. They run the show, and at any moment could snap my dick off with their hole. (If they did, worth it.)
When you add racial and ethnic tropes (think: machismo culture), it becomes even more daunting to discuss your sexual desires openly. I’m a little Jewish faggot from Los Angeles. I had it easy, all things considered.
Luckily, I have some thoughts on how we can separate anal sex from sexual orientation and make booty play less taboo. Hot load incoming! Gender is a construct, a social experiment. That’s not my hot take. We’ve all heard this a million times by now. Usually, it’s said in the context of attempting to dismantle how restrictive gender norms are. It’s an ideology that posits one doesn’t have to present their gender in any constrictive way because gender isn’t real. It’s a figment of our imagination. While I agree wholeheartedly, I do not think we, and by “we” I mean the world, will ever rid ourselves of gender stereotypes completely. I’ll take it a step further and say that it is not helpful to think of gender as a thing that needs to be abolished. Gender can be a useful framework for folks to feel validated (trans folks included) through the shorthand it provides.
Of course, gender expectations and norms can lead to transphobia, misogyny, homophobia, and a ton of other bad shit. However, gender in and of itself is neutral. It’s just a form of expression or a lens through which we view the world. I think what we need to do is expand our definition of what it means to be a man and what is included when we discuss the monolith that is “masculinity.”
Recently, many Western cultures have made progress accepting nonbinary and trans folks (with some obvious major setbacks). I noticed that this acceptance often comes from a reinforcement of gender, which I find worrisome. You should be able to be a man who wears dresses and lipstick and still be a man. Clothing is genderless. Makeup is genderless. So, too, is painting one’s nails. While you can (and should) absolutely identify as nonbinary if the identity speaks to you, you can also be an “effeminate” man and still be just that, a man—and a straight man at that.
Everything that falls outside the super narrow confines of “masculinity” isn’t automatically queer. I think if we allowed men to be more “effeminate” without quickly labeling them as queer, we’d have significantly less homophobia/queerphobia. This means queers need to stop assuming that if a guy likes anal, he must be secretly gay. Oh, you thought I forgot about you? Queers contribute to the problem, too! We are the QUICKEST to assume men are queer if they do anything remotely outside the masc, straight box. I know this isn’t coming from a malicious place. We just want everyone to express themselves openly. You also want him to dick you down. However, when we label straight men as gay because of their interests (e.g., loving pop divas), their knowledge (e.g., knowing too much about Laura Dern’s career), or their actions (e.g., experimenting with another guy), we contribute to the problem.
There’s a reason the phrase “no homo” made its way into our vernacular—outside of very blatant homophobia. Straight men felt the need to distance themselves from anything that could be considered “gay” because they were teased, bullied, and harassed for something as innocuous as hugging another male friend. Since straight men wanted to be able to hug their friends without being ridiculed, they started saying “no homo” after doing anything that they thought made them less of a man. “No homo” probably wouldn’t have become as pervasive a saying if straight men were allowed to act in manners that are traditionally thought of as being more feminine.
Fearing judgment for expressing platonic intimacy with another man is also a long-standing result of homosexuality being illegal in some parts of the world up until very recently. It still is in others. And even in places where it’s legal, like the United States, there are plenty of people and governmental bodies in power that would have it otherwise. I hope I’m not sounding like a straight man apologist. No man—or any person—should be homophobic. No one should belittle, ridicule, and/or assault queers, and there’s no excuse for that behavior. However, I think it’s clear that preaching tolerance and acceptance isn’t enough.
We need to acknowledge that homophobia is learned and that these people are products of their environments. We need a paradigm shift. We live in a world where homophobic acts reinforce masculinity and straightness. How fucked up is that? How did we reach a point where harassing a little gay boy in a crop top makes you more of a man? Why is it still considered “masculine” for high school jocks to call each other “faggot”? This all speaks to why we should not judge men for acting in ways that are perceived as gay or effeminate. We need to expand our notions of masculinity and straightness to arrive at a place where straight men can participate in femininity, too, without someone crying gay wolf. Because guess what? Those men are straight. You can crave getting railed by your trans girlfriend’s dick or your gf’s twelve-inch dildo. You’re still straight (and also impressive).
Now if after a few times of experiencing toe-curling pleasure with your girlfriend, you realize that you also crave the touch of a man—you want to lick some hairy pecs—you should probably slide into my DMs. You know, for science.
Excerpt adapted from the new book Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto, by Zachary Zane. Published by Abrams Image © 2023.
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