When Span Chen, 34, was in college, he noticed he didn’t enjoy sex with his girlfriends as much as he enjoyed masturbating. “They just didn’t make me feel like I did,” the entrepreneur, who lives in China, remembers.
It wasn’t just that Chen knew how to make himself feel good; he also found he was attracted to his own body. “I’d go to the toilet sometimes to take a look in the mirror and just get so turned by how handsome and sexy I was,” he says. After doing some online research, he learned about autosexuality: a sexual orientation where someone feels more attracted to themselves than others.
Autosexual people tend to prefer masturbation over partnered sex, although they may engage in partnered sex either to show affection, to feel close with their partners, or because they get pleasure out of it—just generally not as much as solo sex, says Lori Beth Bisbey, a psychologist specializing in gender and sexuality.
Autosexuality is considered an orientation, rather than a psychological disorder such as narcissism, adds psychotherapist and sex therapist Lee Phillips. “People often assume that autosexual people must be narcissistic—this is not true,” he explains. “Autosexual people can have empathy and validate and care about the well-being of others.”
Autosexual people may, like Chen, feel turned on by looking at themselves or star in their own sexual fantasies, Bisbey says. For instance, they may fantasize about stripping in front of a crowd and being admired. Autosexual people may not even have fantasies that involve other people, says licensed professional counselor Kara Nassour.
“While this person still might enjoy sex with others, they rarely if ever feel sexually attracted to others,” says sex therapist Shamyra Howard, a member of the Men’s Health advisory panel. However, this doesn’t mean that they can’t have great sex. “While there might be challenges, people who are autosexual still enjoy partnered sex,” Howard adds.
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The Autosexual Spectrum
Some autosexual people consider themselves to be on the asexual spectrum, since they may not feel highly attracted to other people, Nassour says. “Some autosexual people don’t feel attracted to others at all, while others may be attracted to others only rarely.”
Autosexuality itself can also be thought of as a spectrum, with many people, to some extent, getting turned on by themselves. Research by Kinsey Institute fellow Justin Lehmiller found that 97% of people were in their own fantasies at least some of the time.
There are also many people who enjoy masturbation over partnered sex without being autosexual; these people may simply know how to please themselves better than anyone else can. “For some, this can cause occasional issues in relationships due to training the body to only respond to certain stimuli such as their own touch or the feel of a sex toy,” Howard says, while for others, it isn’t a problem.
Wherever you are on the autosexual spectrum, it’s completely normal to have a sexual relationship with yourself even when you’re in a relationship, and being open about this with a partner can help you feel closer to them. “When people enter into a partnership or partnerships, sometimes the topic of masturbation or solo sex is never talked about,” says psychotherapist, sex therapist, and sex educator Roger Kuhn. “It can become a secretive behavior which may impact the sexual dynamics of the relationship. Masturbation and solo sexual experiences do not have to be secretive or taboo discussions in a relationship.”
Autosexual People’s Sex and Love Lives
Some people assume that autosexual people simply cannot find partners or have trouble with intimacy, but in reality, the preference for solo activity can be a genuine and healthy desire. “A major misconception about autosexuality has to do with someone not feeling loved or accepted by others, so they reject love and choose themselves,” says Kuhn. “While this may be an experience that some people have chosen, it is not true for all or likely the majority of people who identify [as autosexual] or enjoy autosexual behaviors.”
For Chen, being autosexual is an enjoyable experience, rather than a problem to be solved. “In a relationship with, say, another person, there would be a lot of flaws, mistakes, adjustments, sacrifices,” he explains. “Why go through that? I know how I want to be loved and treated. So, who better to love me than me? It’s almost perfect.”
Just because someone is autosexual doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy a variety of sexual activities. An autosexual person might enjoy experimenting with different sex toys or looking at porn where people masturbate, or perhaps even how-to masturbation videos, Kuhn says. Someone can also incorporate autosexual desires into partnered sex by masturbating in front of a partner (perhaps while the partner is touching themselves as well), recording themselves having sex, or having sex in front of a mirror.
“The partner of an autosexual person may get frustrated or jealous because their partner receives great pleasure from their own self and body,” Phillips says. However, just because someone is autosexual doesn’t mean they won’t enjoy pleasing or being pleased by a partner. In fact, an autosexual person may inspire their partner to engage in self-pleasure and become more in touch with their own body, Howard says.
“I may love how I make myself feel, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t need or appreciate my partner,” Chen says. “During our sexual activities, I let her do what she can for a bit, then I take over and touch myself, just to keep me in the mood. It’s a very good method because I get to be actively involved with my partner and myself without making her feel like she’s not doing enough or make her feel bad.”
How to Know if You’re Autosexual
If you’re wondering if you’re autosexual, a good place to start is to ask yourself who you feel attracted to, and how often, Nassour says. In addition, you can reflect on your sexual fantasies and ask yourself: “Are they more fulfilling when they involve other people, or not? Do you get more fulfillment out of sexual activity alone than when a partner?”
Another sign that you could be autosexual is that you have difficulty getting turned on with another person, but have no trouble when you masturbate, says Nabil—though, of course, this can occur for other reasons. However, many autosexual people can still get turned on with partners, sometimes by engaging in self-focused fantasies during partnered sex. They may also become aroused by a partner describing how much they want them or how attractive they find them.
You also may want to talk to autosexual people and see if their experiences are similar to your own, Nassour adds. You might be able to find them on forums for asexual people, such as the Asexual Visibility and Education Network or the asexual community on Tumblr.
“Ultimately, you are the only person who gets to decide your identity,” she says. “If ‘autosexual’ feels best and helps you understand yourself better, use it. You can also combine it with other identity words. You are allowed to be complicated.”
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