I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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If I’m sexually attracted to people AFAB [assigned female at birth] because of anatomy, does that make me pansexual? My whole life, I’ve identified as a straight man because I’m sexually attracted to women’s bodies, but if I’m attracted to someone AFAB who comes out as a trans man but doesn’t choose surgery, does that make me pan or bi? I’m not attracted to people AMAB, but I am to certain trans men and enbys. If I change my sexual orientation, I feel bad, as if I’m just pretending so I can encompass their gender identity to be with them.
—Labels Are Hard
Dear Labels Are Hard,
Your attractions technically meet the definition of bisexuality, since you’re attracted to vulva-owners of multiple genders, but I don’t think you’re really struggling with how you personally identify. It sounds like you know you might be fetishizing people with a vulva, and you’re wondering how to do that without offending people—especially potential partners who are trans or nonbinary. Good! This is something you should care about.
There’s nothing wrong with having a fetish for a certain body part. (I, for example, have a fetish for huge asses!) But it’s offensive to reduce a person to that sole body part—in this case, their vulva—unless the person is explicitly open to being fetishized in that way. I love when I find a person who wants me to worship their ass—or wants me to use them, because, as the gay boys say, “I’m just a hole, sir.”
The real key here isn’t picking the right label for your orientation. If you list yourself with bi and start matching with trans men and enbys, you can’t go around asking them if they have a penis or a vulva down there; that’s not only rude, but also potentially triggering for people with gender and body dysmorphia. So go ahead and call yourself bisexual to expand your pool of potential partners, but you must also make it crystal clear in your dating app bio that you’re only looking for people with a vulva. This way, you know the people who swipe right on you are clearly okay with your preferences—and the people who aren’t can safely swipe left.
You don’t mention whether you’re looking to date these vulva-owners in addition to your sexual relationships with them. While you don’t have to, as romantic and sexual attractions are two distinct entities, I do think that’s something to make clear when you’re talking to potential partners—especially trans and nonbinary people. All too often, men only want trans people for sex behind closed doors, while their trans partners want and deserve more.
I hope you find someone who gets just as turned on by you reducing them to their vulva, but I’ll be real with you: the majority of people—cis and trans—aren’t down to be fetishized. Your search will be slow going, but at least you won’t have to feel bad about pretending anything.
Zachary Zane is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and co-author of Men’s Health Best. Sex. Ever. He writes “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health, and is editor-in-chief of the BOYSLUT Zine, which publishes nonfiction erotica from kinksters across the globe. His work has been featured in New York Times, Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and more.
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