I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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I have a problem where my dick doesn’t get hard when I’m with other guys. I’m a total bottom, so I’ve had sexual experiences before without it being an issue, but I think it’s from watching so much porn as a teenager. I’m horny as hell when I’m on my own, and I fucking love getting throatfucked, but I just haven’t been able to cum in front of someone almost ever. There was just this one time when I hooked up with a daddy, but I was SO horny that day. It just never happens for me with guys. My question is: Do you think this is a major put-off for tops? I wanna hear your opinion: My dick gets semi-hard most times, but I really struggle to keep it hard.
— Persistent Softie
Dear Persistent Softie,
If you were a top who couldn’t get hard, that would be another story, because your dick is supposed to be the star of the show. But as a bisexual man who’s topped well over 2,000 guys, I know I don’t give a flying fuck if the bottom is hard during sex, and I can tell you from speaking with my 100% dom top friends that they don’t care, either. We are far more concerned with how your ass looks, and if it can take a pounding. We don’t care if you’re hard during a throatfucking, either. Your penis, truly, is irrelevant to our arousal.
I’m sure some tops would be turned on if you were rock-hard during sex, but that would be a cherry on top of an already delicious sundae. Conversely, some guys actually like it when the bottom is soft. As a bottom, I’ve had experiences where I’m soft during penetration, and I’ve had guys say, “I love watching your flaccid dick bounce.” It makes them feel like a “big guy” with their hard penis thrusting away.
And don’t feel guilty if you can’t cum. Personally, I love it when after I orgasm, the bottom doesn’t want me to finish them off—it’s less work for me! (I always offer, though; I’m not that selfish.) And half the time, I don’t even know if or when the bottom cums, because I’m taking him from behind in doggy style.
So, to answer your question, I don’t think your situation is a “major put-off for tops.” However, I understand that you might want to get hard and have an orgasm simply because it feels good!
You mention that you have no problem finishing alone, so your erection problems are likely stemming from a psychological issue as opposed to a physical one. (It’s always worth checking in with your doctor for official confirmation, though.)
You also mention being able to finish with the daddy because you were extra horny that day. Let’s unpack that. Can you identify what made you so horny? Did you edge yourself throughout the day so you were ready to bust by the time you were with him? Had you not jacked off for a few days, so you had a load building? Did you stop watching porn for a bit? Did he do something that really turned you on and helped you get out of your head? If you can pinpoint exactly what helped you, then you can try replicate it the next time you have sex.
And if you can’t identify what, specifically, made you so horny that day? That’s okay, too. You might find it easier to relax—and therefore easier to get hard—knowing most most tops don’t care whether you’re hard or not.
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