I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
A few months ago, I met a guy on a dating app who has been my lover since. We have great fun, the best sex of my life, but I’m not in love with him, nor do I see myself “with him” in an exclusive romantic relationship.
We talked about sleeping with other people safely and consensually, etc. I liked the freedom of that setup. He told me he slept with a woman on New Year’s Eve, and I didn’t mind. But a few nights ago, we were out at a play party, and I saw him talking closely to this beautiful lady. At one point, they sensually held hands, caressing and looking into each other’s eyes, flirting, really, in front of me. That’s when I decided to say goodbye and leave. He was surprised, but I said I had to go. I was shaking as I went out, battling tears.
I tried to rationalize all this and to be honest with myself. I realize I’ve potentially discovered one of my limits: I can be okay with knowing he flirts with other women, but not in front of me, especially if those women are hotter than me. I also realize I didn’t mind when he talked to other women who were not as pretty.
How do I navigate this newfound jealousy? I want to be okay with him flirting in front of me. Or do I just tell him that I don’t want him to flirt openly with other attractive people in front of me? I don’t want to be that person. I feel like I let myself down somehow, and I hate that this kind of jealousy overcame me.
— Jealous and Petty
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Dear Jealous and Petty,
I had one rule with my first boyfriend, who introduced me to polyamory. After he fucked someone I thought was hotter than me, he had to tell me I was the most attractive man in the world and that I was amazing at sex. When I first said that I wanted him to tell me this, I said it as a joke, but he thought it was actually a good idea. It may sound petty, but it worked for us simply because it playfully acknowledged my insecurities, which were especially prominent when I was new to polyamory.
Cut to the present day, and my current boyfriend is a porn star. He fucks several men hotter than me multiple times a week because it’s his job. I’m rarely jealous. I only get jealous—or more accurately, envious—when he fucks a porn star I’ve had a crush on, but that’s because I wanted to have sex with that man, not because I’m feeling insecure.
How did I stop feeling so jealous? First and foremost, I cut myself some slack. I remember telling my first boyfriend the exact words you wrote: “I don’t want to be that person.” I felt weak and immature whenever I got jealous. I told myself that a confident, secure person would never feel this way. But I was looking at things the wrong way, and I think you are, too.
Don’t worry about being “that person,” because your feelings don’t define you. When you get jealous, “it is critical to remember that feelings are not subject to morality and say nothing about the quality of your character,” says Kate Balestrieri, Psy.D., founder of Modern Intimacy. You’re still the person you thought you were!
Take this newfound jealousy for what it really is: information. Use it to figure out why you’re feeling jealous. What’s at the root? Are you afraid he’s going to cut ties with you? Are you worried you’re not good enough for him? You mention that you were only jealous when he flirted with hotter people; is that a sign that you put too much value on your looks and don’t see yourself as having other worthy qualities? (That last one was definitely something that I had to work through.)
Once you identify the underlying insecurities fueling those jealous thoughts, you can work toward improving those parts of your life, Balestrieri says. You won’t be able to solve the issues overnight, but they could be worth exploring over time with a therapist.
Moving on here, you also question whether you should ask this guy not to flirt with other women in front of you. It’s fair to not want to see that, but it’s not fair to automatically put the burden on him to behave differently, especially since you guys aren’t technically an item, and you don’t see that changing in the future. Plus, you’ve only known each other for a few months. Say something like: “I get uncomfortable watching you flirt with people in front of me, so I’d prefer it if we didn’t go to sex clubs together, and kept our dates one-on-one.”
If you want to keep going to parties with him, you could see if he’s open to working as a team to reduce your jealousy. Emphasize that he did nothing wrong at the party; then tell him how you felt watching him flirt with the other woman, and how your response surprised you. “Depending on how receptive he is to your process and needs, he could be a great partner with which to explore your fears and other feelings, as well as needs for transparency, boundaries, and aftercare,” Balestrieri says.
He might tell you it’s not his problem, and that would be fair (though hopefully, he’d phrase it in a kinder way). In the event he is willing to work with you on mitigating your jealousy, make a plan for your next sex party that both of you feel comfortable with. Maybe you make a rule that the next few times you go, he only has sex with you; that way, even if you see him flirting with attractive women, you’ll know it isn’t going anywhere that night. Or maybe you just have to be by his side when he’s talking to other women. Brainstorm together and see what’s doable. Take baby steps, and let him know if you start to feel overwhelmed and jealous at a party.
Regardless of what happens between the two of you, remember to work on those deep-rooted issues yourself in the mean time!
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