I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.
This is an edited and condensed transcription from last week’s “Sexplain It Live,” which was recorded on Men’s Health‘s Instagram. I was joined by Alex Manley, author of The New Masculinity: A Roadmap for a 21st Century Definition of Manhood.
The last five girls I’ve dated have broken up with me within three months, and their reasoning has been the same: “It’s not you; it’s me.” Apparently, I’m a great guy, but they’re not in the right headspace to date me. Can that be true…for FIVE women?
AM: I love this question because I’m picturing, over a span of 15 months, essentially, the same person. Someone who looks the same as the last one, just saying it in the same tone of voice, over and over again, like a carbon copy: “It’s not you; it’s me.” Okay, next!
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ZZ: It’s funny. Ya know, when something happens to you once—you can just say shit happens—twice, it’s accidental. But anything three or more, I consider a pattern. So if you’re at five women right now—it is you! It is not these women. And it could be you are attracted to a specific type of woman who is emotionally unavailable and is not looking for commitment. You’re seeking commitment from this woman because—not to psychoanalyze—but you didn’t have a parent that gave you love and affection, so you’re gravitating towards emotionally unavailable partners who also don’t provide you with affection.
AM: Totally.
ZZ: So I’d look and see the similarities in the women you’re dating and try to determine if you are dating emotionally unavailable women. I’d also reach out to your friends. They know you best. So ask, “Hey, have you seen me behave in a manner that’s off-putting with the women I date? Am I missing social cues?” Try crowdsourcing to see if you have a blind spot.
AM: Yeah. This person needs the single person’s version of a couple’s therapist. He needs to be able to sit down and be like, “Okay, let’s consider my relationship tendencies and habits while dating,” without a partner next to him.
ZZ: Yeah! And then I don’t want to exacerbate any anxieties or paranoia, but there are certain things that people don’t feel comfortable sharing when they break up, which is why they give the “It’s not you, it’s me.” Because, really, that’s never the case. Usually, the issue is us. It’s a mismatch. We don’t work together. You know what I mean?
AM: Sure, sure.
ZZ: And I think that’s what they mean by it’s not you, it’s me. But Alex, what would your thoughts be on reaching out to one of the women he feels closest to, saying something like, “Hey, I’ve had a lot of women recently break up with me, saying it’s not you, it’s me. I’m wondering if there is another reason—a deeper reason you broke up with me. Would you feel comfortable sharing?” I don’t want to go down a rabbit hole and ask if it’s a sex problem. But like, maybe he’s terrible at sex.
AM: Sure, yeah.
ZZ: The thing is, most women won’t say the sex is terrible while breaking up. They’ll say it’s not you; it’s me. But to get back on track here, the key is being open to whatever your exes say. You might not like it. You can disagree with it, but they do not have to respond. And if they don’t respond, that’s it. The conversation’s done. They are under no obligation to tell you why they broke up with you.
AM: Yeah. You have to approach it and say, “Look, if you don’t wanna respond, that’s fine. I won’t bother you again. And if you respond and say something that hurts my feelings, that’s fine. I won’t bother you again. But your honesty would mean a lot to me because I’m trying to work through what, if anything, I need to improve on.” And hopefully, one of the five will talk you through it.
ZZ: And if you’re not getting meaningful feedback from these women—they’re all saying there was nothing wrong you did, they just weren’t feeling it—then it means you’re not picking emotionally available women. So it’s less something you’re doing and more your choice in women.
AM: So try not to date any more women with George Costanza energy.
ZZ: Exactly!
Watch the full conversation here:
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