I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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I’m a bi guy in my late 20s. I’ve known for a while that I’m attracted to both guys and girls, but only recently started hooking up with guys. I am not out publicly yet. Anywho, I have a longtime friend who I’ve been attracted to and have always had suspicions he was secretly attracted to guys, too.
Without getting into too many details, he and I would share a bed on numerous occasions after parties or when our friend group rented a house. One instance, since he booked the house, he got the first choice of rooms, and he chose a room with a queen bed for him and me to share instead of taking another room with separate beds. We never hooked up during those nights, but we always ended up close and “accidentally” touching each other—a lot. A lot closer than any other time I’ve slept with a guy platonically over the years.
Other things have made me suspicious over the years. He’s followed me into the bathroom to “cross-swords” at parties, one of his former girlfriends slipped that she thought he was gay, and one of our ignorant friends once said that he didn’t think bisexuality was a real thing, and he immediately said it was 100 percent real.
I also recently got a notification that he made a burner Snapchat account while he was away on a business trip. (I got a notification saying your contact has joined Snapchat.) This made me even more suspicious because I have a burner account, too, for people I’ve met through Grindr. Long story short, he and I are both still good friends.
He’s in a serious relationship with a girl right now and is happy. I’m genuinely happy for him and would never do anything to break them up. But I can’t help but be curious if he is also bi. So I guess my question is, am I justified to be suspicious? And if so, is there anything I can do to find out without ruining our friendship?
— Very Curious
Dear Very Curious,
Personally, I’m very curious why you really want to know if your friend is bi. Is it because you want another bisexual friend with whom you can discuss your sexuality? Is it because you think it would lead to a more fulfilling friendship where you two support each other? Or do you want to know because you’d like to have a sexual and/or romantic relationship with him?
If it’s the latter, I must warn you: That’s a dangerous road to go down. He’s in a serious relationship with his girlfriend and is happy—and I agree with your suspicions that he’s attracted to men, and possibly attracted to you. If you don’t want to break them up, and you’re worried about ruining your friendship, don’t pry into his sexuality in the hope that he might return your feelings. Get a new crush! Go on some dates with other people to get him out of your head. And the next time you and your friends rent a house, claim a bed that only sleeps one.
All of that said, if your crush on him doesn’t fade, and it starts to interfere with your ability to be his friend, then I think you need to be honest about it—assuming this is a close relationship you care about nurturing long-term. While honesty might “ruin” the relationship, at that point, you presumably won’t have a great relationship, anyhow. On the flip side, the confession could also repair things between you; he might say he values your platonic relationship, and hearing that could help you move on and return to a place of genuine friendship.
So, you can let him know that you have something important that you’d like to tell him. From there, you can come out as bisexual and say, “And I actually have a little crush on you. I know you’re happily monogamous with your girlfriend, and I’m not expecting anything in return from you. But pretending I didn’t like you was eating me alive, and so for us to have a real relationship and move past this, I needed to share my feelings.”
Now, going back to the very beginning of my response: Let’s say you’re curious about your friend’s sexuality because you’re simply looking to grow your bisexual community. If and when you feel ready, come out to him as bi! You can explain how liberating it is to be open about your sexuality, and to have support from the people in your life you care about most.
When you share your sexuality, he may share that he’s also attracted to men. Or, he may not—and if he doesn’t, I wouldn’t push him. That would possibly ruin your friendship, but you coming out to him won’t. And he’ll know that the door is forever open for him to share if he wants to.
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