I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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My boyfriend and I have always fantasized about having a threesome, but when we finally did it for the first time, it went terribly—at least, for me. Our third was way more into my boyfriend, who, by Western (gay) beauty standards, is the “hotter” one in the relationship. The two of them ended up doing their own thing while I was basically ignored.
We both want to keep having threesomes, but I can’t have another experience like that. What do I do?
—Threesome Fail
Dear Threesome Fail,
The question isn’t what you do; it’s what you and your boyfriend do together to optimize your future threesome experiences.
If you haven’t already, tell your boyfriend that while you’re excited about the prospect of future threesomes, you felt left out of the last one and want to make sure you feel more included and sexually desired in the next one. (Notice how you aren’t “blaming” your partner for anything; you are simply expressing your needs.) I’m assuming your boyfriend cares about your feelings and wants to continue having threesomes, so he’s going to want to be your teammate in making sure you feel included.
You guys need to get proactive about planning threesomes where everyone is into everyone, and where you and your BF have a way to communicate how you’re feeling in the moment—whether it’s that you want to change what’s happening or end the threesome altogether.
Being proactive starts with a good dating profile. Update your bio to state you’re a couple looking for a third. Have clear photos of both of you. And write something like, “Looking for a third who’s equally into both of us!” Once you match with someone, talk to them on the app together to see if there’s three-way chemistry—and if the app doesn’t allow for three-way conversations, ask to take it to text before you decide to meet up with this person IRL.
Then talk to your partner. That starts with giving concrete examples of things that would make you feel more included. For example, you can say, “What would make me feel more included is if we kissed more and had more eye contact.” Perhaps you want your boyfriend to finish inside you? Cumming inside someone can be a very intense and intimate experience and could make you feel more sexually desired and connected to your partner during a threesome. If so, let him know before the next time you’re naked with another man.
The two of you can also have a “code” if you’re not feeling included. For example, squeezing your partner’s hand twice could indicate that you’re feeling left out. If you’re comfy doing more than a covert hand-squeeze, you can also ask the group to try a more inclusive position, so it’s not just you watching your boyfriend as he plows another man. (In case you need some ideas, here’s a list of threesome positions where everyone is highly involved.)
That said, I’ve noticed that people new to threesomes often shy away from the action if they’re not doing the penetrating or being penetrated. You can kiss your partner while he’s fucking another man, hold his hand, rub his chest, or suck a cock flying through the air. It’s not all or bust. (No pun intended.) And you can insert yourself a little. (That pun was intended).
Last but not least, remember that aftercare is important. In your case, I think you two may benefit from some alone time after you hook up with a third. That doesn’t mean you immediately kick him out—he’s a person with feelings, too—but after he leaves, a cuddling and/or kissing session with your BF will remind you just how much he desires you.
Contributing Editor
Zachary Zane is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and editor-in-chief of the BOYSLUT Zine, which publishes nonfiction erotica from kinksters across the globe. He writes “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health, and is the co-author of Men’s Health Best. Sex. Ever. His work has been featured in New York Times, Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and more.
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