I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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As I move closer to 40 (36 now), I feel increasingly detached from sex and desire. My libido is still pretty strong, but it feels like too much “effort” that I can’t be bothered to give anymore.
I’ve been married for nearly 11 years to my wonderful husband, who ticks all my sexual boxes. It’s not that I don’t want sex with him, but all the “other” sex/sexual stuff I now find unappealing and, frankly, dull. We’re slightly on the “monogamish” spectrum, and it used to be fun and exciting. The idea of a three-way or going to a bathhouse/sauna used to get me excitedly nervous. Now it’s just “meh,” and even the idea of it is just tiring. It’s the same with porn. Porn used to be fun to watch and exciting; now I feel mildly grossed out by it, and it doesn’t “do the job” anymore.
Everything is fine, I suppose, but let’s be honest: Fine isn’t fine. Where’s my sense of excitement gone? I don’t know if this is a testosterone depletion thing or just a boredom thing. Do I need to get my levels checked or push the boundaries a bit and slut it up at the sauna? Do you think I should speak to a therapist? Could this be mild depression? I don’t feel depressed—just sexually exhausted.
— Mr. Detached
Dear Mr. Detached,
You might be experiencing a run-of-the-mill sex rut. I’ve had it, too. Even kinky people get bored of their own kinks after a while! The solution isn’t necessarily moving up to a more extreme kink—though it can be. The real answer is trying something different than what you’ve gotten used to.
I remember the excitement of my first Grindr hookup—the adrenaline rush from not knowing who was behind the door. I wondered if this stranger was secretly a serial killer who would chop me into bite-sized pieces. Of course, I didn’t want to die, but the potential danger of the encounter produced a thrill that was the ultimate aphrodisiac. But over time, my excitement dwindled. My hookups become perfunctory: I’d go in; he’d drop his pants; I’d give a few pumps and cum inside him. We’d awkwardly say goodbye, and then we’d both carry on with our day.
It was, as you put it, fine. But eventually, fine wasn’t enough for me. That led me to bathhouses, saunas, sex parties, and group sex. But you can only take so many loads at a bathhouse before you’re itching for a new sexual staple.
That’s when I started setting up kink “scenes” with various sex partners. But when I was bored of getting pegged, doing impact play, and getting blindfolded, something happened that I didn’t expect: I rediscovered an appreciation for good old fashioned doggy style and missionary.
I’ve been enjoying those classic positions with my current partner. We head to sex parties together occasionally, but most of the time, it’s just the two of us. When I travel for work, I hop on Grindr. (We’re in a non-monogamous relationship, obviously.) In those moments, I find that I’ve had enough time off from casual sex that the anonymity is yet again enough to turn me on.
I’m telling you all this to illustrate that sexual desire can move in a cycle, and even something as vanilla as missionary sex can feel new and exciting if you haven’t done it in a while. If all the “other” sexual stuff you’ve been doing feels “dull,” focus on sex with your husband for a while, since it sounds like that still appeals to you. If and when a threesome or a trip to the bathhouse excites you again, go for it!
As for the health concerns you mentioned, it’s true that depression and testosterone changes can throw your sex drive out of whack. I’d recommend talking to your doctor about the sexual exhaustion you’ve been experiencing so you can rule out any underlying physical or mental health issues that could be affecting your enthusiasm for sex. Good luck!
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