I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I’ve been with my partner for over nine years and married nearly five of them. We’ve been all but celibate for eight years. I can probably count the times we’ve had sex on my hands, and it’s been only once or twice since getting married. I worked up the nerve to address this last October, telling him I wanted to be sexual and wanted it with him. We had sex the next day (the once since married). I specifically told him how I didn’t want to always have to ask, and also that if I ever said I wasn’t interested, it means I wasn’t interested that time, not that I’m not ever.
Then four months passed and nothing changed; still no signs of interest. And it’s not just no sex. We don’t kiss except for a peck on the lips maybe once in two weeks. He doesn’t even glance at me if I walk past naked after a shower. Hugs are perfunctory. So two and a half weeks ago I brought it up again and asked if he’d consider an open relationship because I love him but want sex in my life. He flat out rejected the idea, but also acknowledged he “can’t expect me to live like a nun.” We had an even longer and more open conversation about our preferences, and things we’d like or be willing to try, but now, again, it’s been three weeks, and he hasn’t touched me or looked at me.
It’s hell on my self-esteem and I’m very seriously ready for the not-so-ethical non-monogamy because I feel like I made all the effort I can. I don’t know what to do. He’s a good guy and I like his companionship. I don’t want to lose that, but I’ve already lost most of my 30s and don’t want to lose the rest of my life waiting for affection and sex that never seems to happen.
—Celibate and Desperate
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Dear Celibate and Desperate,
Given everything you just told me, I’m afraid there isn’t a magical solution that would allow you to remain married and sexually fulfilled. It’s almost time to think about the big D—not “dick,” but “divorce.”
I’m guessing you’ve thought about it, too—maybe even longed for it, based on this sentence: “I’ve already lost most of my 30s and don’t want to lose the rest of my life waiting for affection and sex that never seems to happen.” You basically just told me: “The rest of my life married to this man feels like a death sentence.” But I think you don’t want to hurt his feelings, because, as you say, he’s a “good guy.” That’s probably why you’ve considered cheating: It’s a way for you to have sex without having to confront him (again) about the issues in your marriage. I know it seems easier to cheat than to get divorced, but I promise you, a future spent sneaking around and lying to your husband isn’t going to give you your life back, either.
Divorce is a big step, so first, let’s make one last attempt to get to the root of your sexless situation. I recommend you say something along the lines of: “I felt like we were making some progress by opening up about our sexual preferences and what we’d be willing to try, but since then, I feel like nothing has changed. Is there something at the root of our dry spell that you and I haven’t explored yet?”
When I showed your question to therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, CST, she thought there may be an underlying cause for his lack of sexual desire that he hasn’t shared with you just yet. That’s why she recommends that you “listen to your partner’s reasons for not being able to express himself sexually.” Perhaps he has a medical problem, is taking libido-reducing medications, has untreated mental health problems, grew up in a conservative religious family, has a history of sexual trauma, is afraid of rejection, has low self-esteem, or holds rigid views around pleasure? “What is getting in the way of him connecting with the one he loves? What does he need to feel safe enough to start to open up with you, and begin to express his sexuality with you?” Brito asks. Now if he does reveal something, the next step is to see if he’s willing to treat or deal with the issue. Is he willing to switch up his medications or see a therapist to address his sexual past? If he is, great! Work with him. If not, call up that divorce attorney.
It’s also possible your husband is asexual, an umbrella term for people who have little to no desire for sexual activity. To get the conversation rolling, perhaps you could ask: “Do you ever have a strong desire to have sex? Have you had a strong desire at any point in your life?” (The Asexual Visibility & Education Network might be a helpful resource for both of you.) Some asexual people with allosexual partners—i.e. people who experience sexual attraction—explore non-monogamy as a way for everyone to get their needs met. But if your husband still isn’t willing to entertain any form of open relationship, I think a divorce is your best option.
I know divorce is scary, but I promise: Cheating isn’t a good option. You clearly care about your husband, and I think the guilt would eat you alive. You don’t need to feel guilty about divorcing him, if it comes to that. You’re not feeling loved or appreciated. Your self-esteem is taking a hit. You’re not just frustrated because you’re sexually deprived; you miss the intimacy of physical touch. These aren’t mere wants. They are needs, and you shouldn’t just give up on these basic forms of affection if he’s not going to work on solutions with you.
And guess what? You can find another partner who gives you companionship, physical touch, sex, and intimacy—who makes you feel desired, loved, and makes you cum your face off. (Have your cake and eat it too, baby!) Hopefully, your husband goes on to find an arrangement that works for him, too.
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