The 95th Academy Awards is supposed to be Hollywood’s big night to celebrate the past year in film, but everyone’s minds were preoccupied elsewhere. Yes, we’re talking about The Slap—AKA this time last year, when Will Smith walked on the Oscars stage and slapped Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife.
The man to answer all these questions—and try to redirect everyone’s attentions to how monumental a year it is for Asian nominee representation and box-office successes making it into the Best Picture race—is Jimmy Kimmel. Parachuting in from the rafters as part of a Top Gun: Maverick-inspired stunt, Kimmel joked in his opening monologue that he was entering “the danger zone” tonight.
“We want you to have fun. We want you to feel safe. And most importantly, we want me to feel safe,” Kimmel said. “So we have strict policies in place. If anyone in this theater commits an act of violence at any point during the show, you will be awarded the Oscar for Best Actor and be permitted to give an 18-minute long speech.”
He’s only somewhat joking. The Oscars did have a “crisis team” this year. “If anything unpredictable or violent happens during the ceremony, just do what you did last year,” Kimmel continued. “Nothing.”
Kimmel also poked fun at Nicole Kidman’s viral AMC Theaters ad and called Steven Spielberg and Seth Rogen the “Joe and Hunter Biden of the movies.” He later compared television to movies, saying that movies are better because “movies can’t lose $100 million,” citing Babylon. Ouch. At least Babylon got released!” Kimmel said as the cast jeered. Of course, Batgirl was never released, of which Kimmel joked, “[it was] the first superhero film to get defeated by an accounting department.”
Elsewhere in the monologue, Kimmel wondered by James Cameron wasn’t in attendance, blaming his absence on the fact that he wasn’t nominated for Best Director. “How does the Academy not nominate the guy who directed Avatar?” Kimmel asked. “What do they think he is, a woman?”
Not bad, Jimmy! Glad the rest of this year’s show went off without a hitch—or a slap.
Watch Kimmel’s full monologue from the 2023 Oscars below:
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Assistant Editor
Josh Rosenberg is an Assistant Editor at Esquire, keeping a steady diet of one movie a day. His past work can be found at Spin, CBR, and on his personal blog at Roseandblog.com.
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