Letting My GF Meet My Friends Was a Huge Mistake

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

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Dear Sexplain It,

I’ve been dating this woman for about two years, and I’m jealous of the relationships she has with my friends. About a year ago, a friend of mine started a D&D [Dungeons and Dragons] group, and we both joined (along with four of my other friends). D&D wasn’t for me, and I dropped out after our first campaign finished. She loved it, and she doesn’t have a lot of friends in our area, so she asked if it was okay if she kept playing without me, and I said sure.

Now I’m regretting my decision. They get together every two weeks to play D&D without me, and sometimes that bleeds into drinks after. They’re talking about doing a weekend Airbnb as a group, so they can play for hours on end. They’re constantly messaging each other on a group thread, and they now have all these inside jokes I’m not a part of. I really feel like they’ve grown to like her more than me.

I don’t want to forbid her from going on the weekend D&D trip. I don’t want to be that controlling, jealous boyfriend, but I’m feeling really left out. I feel like she’s accidentally “stolen” my friends, and I don’t know what to do.

— Friendless Boyfriend

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Dear Friendless Boyfriend,

Listen, I know you’re scared of coming off as jealous, but dude, it’s normal to be jealous in the situation you just described! Your path forward isn’t about learning how not to be jealous—it’s about learning how to act on your jealousy in a healthy way.

There’s one thing I always say when it comes to jealousy: in and of itself, it is not a “bad,” “toxic,” or “negative” emotion. It’s how we engage with our jealousy that can become detrimental. If we become angry, violent, and paranoid—or if we withdraw and distance ourselves from our loved ones—it becomes a problem. I’ll help you make sure that doesn’t happen, and it’ll involve talking to your girlfriend about what’s going on.

“Unexpressed emotional needs will rarely be met in a relationship,” Gregory Kilpatrick, LMFT, pointed out when I showed him your question.

First, you need to understand why you feel jealous. Are you afraid she’s going to cheat on you? Do you think she might leave you for one of your friends? Do you think you’re going to lose your friends entirely? Once you have a better sense of the “why,” you can have a more constructive conversation and come up with a plan to help address the cause. The goal isn’t to convince her not to play D&D—that would be controlling. But maybe the two of you can add more romantic couple time to your calendars, or find ways for you to get in on more group hangs

Kilpatrick recommended saying something along the lines of: “I’m feeling a little disconnected from you and my friends right now, and I don’t know exactly how to handle it. I want to spend more time with you and them, but I’m worried that I will come across as ‘controlling,’ and I really don’t want to be like that.” Note that this isn’t going to be a one-and-done conversation. Together, over time, you two figure out ways for you to feel more secure in your relationship and more connected to your girlfriend and friends.

Speaking of your friends, talk to them, too. It doesn’t has to be as big of an emotional reveal. Start a new group chat with them and your girlfriend, and text, “I miss us all hanging out together. Drinks this week?” This will set a precedent for planning group hangs that aren’t D&D-related.

As for this D&D trip they’re planning, I actually think you could go with them and not play D&D. They won’t be doing it the whole time, so you can still join in on some of the fun. Personally, I do this with ski trips. I don’t ski or snowboard, but I go with friends who do. They hit the slopes during the day while I cozy up and read in the room, and then we all hang out at night!

Friendless Boyfriend, I’d like to remind you that you are not actually friendless. You just haven’t been connecting with your buds the way you used to. Talk to your GF, send that group text, and I bet you’ll be back to having your “crew” again in no time at all.