I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
My girlfriend and I are in an open relationship. I’m straight, and she’s bi. Our relationship is on solid ground, and we both have an equally strong desire to have a threesome with another woman. The question is: How do we find a woman who’s down to be our third the right way? There is so much talk in the non-monogamy spaces about how unicorn hunters are the worst people in the world. I don’t agree, and honestly think that it’s messed up to judge people for their desires—isn’t that kink shaming? At the same time, I understand not wanting to be objectified or used as a couple’s experiment. But at the same time again, I’m sure there are women who like being unicorns assuming the MF couple treats them well! I’m just trying to figure out how to go about all this ethically.
-Unicon Hunters
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Dear Unicorn Hunters,
As someone who’s accepted invitations to countless MFF threesomes, I’ll let you in on a little secret: The key is not being an asshole. You’re right; there’s nothing inherently wrong with unicorn hunting. But most couples go about it in such a shitty way—particularly MF couples looking for a woman to be their third—that many bisexual and pansexual women don’t want anything to do with an MF couple propositioning them.
So the question becomes: How do you not be an asshole in your pursuit of finding a unicorn?
First of all, to avoid rubbing people the wrong way, you should be looking on apps and in IRL spaces where you’re likely to find unicorns who want to be your third. “Meet them in a space where sex is already an open conversation, such as at a sex party, polyamorous cocktails, a kink demo, or a sex-positive site such as FetLife or the dating app Feeld,” Sophie Saint Thomas, author of Sex Witch, suggested when I showed her your question. In these places, flirting and propositioning someone for a threesome isn’t just expected; it’s celebrated. “When you’re out a random bar or use Tinder, it’s out of place to approach someone for a threesome.”
If you’re using apps, state in your profile that you and your partner are looking for a third. Some MF couples try to hide their true intentions by having the woman create a profile where she appears single, match with other queer women, then later reveal that her male partner is also part of the equation. It’s better to be upfront about what you want. (I’d write something direct and kitschy, like “One half of an MF couple looking for a unicorn to treat like a queen.”) Sure, lots of women will swipe past you, but that’s the point—you want to filter out people who aren’t interested in being your third.
I’d also recommend that you and your girlfriend make separate accounts and link them, as opposed to creating one joint couple’s account. A joint account can give the off-putting impression that one member of the couple is making all the decisions, whereas two separate, but linked, profiles reflects two people who are equally enthusiastic about non-monogamous fun.
When one of you matches with someone, start chatting the way you normally would, asking about their week, hobbies, etc. Then, if the conversation is going well, you can ask her about her sexual desires. If you seem to be on the same page, ask if you and your partner can take her out on a date. Simple enough.
As for meeting a unicorn in the wild (IRL)?
Approach her the same way you’d approach any woman you were hoping to sexually connect with. I recommend you and your girlfriend approach someone, say hi, proceed to introduce yourself, and then ask what brought them to the event. This goes back to what Saint Thomas said: When you’re at a kink event, sex workshop, polyamorous meet-up, or “munch,” (i.e., a casual social gathering for kinksters interested or involved in BDSM), it’s expected that you will approach others and talk about sex!
If you feel like you’re vibing with her, ask her out on a three-way date. Notice how I didn’t say invite her home with you—most unicorns like to get to know the couple a little bit more before hopping into bed with them. “I find directness quite effective,” Saint Thomas said. “Asking for what you want is hot.”
If they reject you, which they might—don’t be an asshole! Don’t try to convince them. Rather, take their rejection gracefully, “We totally understand. No worries at all!” Then move your asses along. Simple enough.
Last but not least, whatever you do, for the love of God, do not say, “Hey, my girlfriend saw you from across the bar, and we really dig your vibe. Can we buy you a drink?” I will personally come and destroy you.
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