I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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My husband and I have been married for 10 years. When we started out, I was the top, and he was vers. About year 8, I wanted to bottom for him, but he will not fuck me. He says he is not attracted to me in that way. He says I am his alpha, but now when we play with other guys, and they are vers, he flips with them. And now he won’t let me fuck him in front of other people. WTF? I’m at my wit’s end and not sure I can take it any longer. What should I do to help change his mind?
—Hubby Won’t Flip
Dear Hubby Won’t Flip,
Honestly, I’m not sure you can change his mind as your husband has put you into a sexual box. He views you as the alpha top, and that’s what turns him on. So he doesn’t want you on all fours, begging for his cock. But another dude? Yeah, he’s into it.
He’s not alone in these desires. For example, even though I’m fully vers, I only like bottoming for large and muscular men. I need to know that when they choke me, they could actually kill me with their burly manhands (not that they actually would). I typically don’t bottom for smaller, thinner twinks. They just don’t psychologically arouse me the way a Dom Daddy does.
But the thing is, these men aren’t my husband of a decade. These are men I’m meeting on gay hook-up apps explicitly for casual sex. When a random twink reaches out wanting to top me, it’s easy for me to kindly pass, not respond, or let him know I’d rather top him.
If it were my partner of ten years, I would be a lot more open to exploration and experimentation because his needs would be important to me! I’m disappointed your husband isn’t doing the same. You’ve made it clear that bottoming for him is important to you, and yet, he’s shutting down the conversation without offering any form of compromise. That’s a problem.
He also won’t have sex with you in front of other men. Of course, if he doesn’t want to fuck you, he doesn’t have to, but the sudden change is odd. Has he given you any reasons? If not, I think there’s something else going on here that he’s not sharing. Sexual desires with your long-term partner don’t exist in a vacuum. In other words, if there are issues outside the bedroom, they often impact your relationship in the bedroom.
The only chance you have at changing your husband’s mind is by addressing the real roots of your issues. So, have another sit-down talk with him where you share that you’re feeling frustrated and dismissed and would like to work together to find some compromise that suits both of your sexual needs. Then, ask him why he doesn’t want to have sex with you in front of other men and if there’s something else in the relationship that’s affecting his sexual desires with you.
Frankly, you might not like what you have to hear. That would explain why your husband hasn’t been forthcoming with his reasoning. But at least you’ll have the truth—and can then decide what to do. This may lead to you getting divorced, but as you said yourself, you’re currently at your wit’s end and can’t take much longer. You’re tired of being dismissed, rejected, and sexually invalidated.
And you deserve to have a partner who satisfies your sexual desires. Or, at the very least, helps you find a Daddy that will properly dick you down.