I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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I go to bed often before my partner. We usually have sex when I go to bed, and he stays up watching television. He comes to bed a few hours later and wakes me up for sex again. It’s usually around 1:00-3:00 in the morning, and I am sound asleep. I don’t want to be woken up for sex. He has a much higher sex drive than me, but I am already accommodating him with sex before bed and sex in the morning. I am so exhausted when he also wakes me up in the middle of the night for sex that I start to feel ill during the day.
I told him I didn’t want to have sex in the middle of the night, and he said to me that if I tell him no and deny him, he would stop wanting sex altogether, and if I didn’t want to have middle of the night sex, we will probably never be able to sleep in the same bed. What’s your take on this situation?
—Too Tired to Fuck
Dear Too Tired,
You had a very reasonable request: Please don’t wake me up to have sex in the middle of the night. His manipulative response—which doesn’t take into account what you might need to feel satisfied in your relationship—suggests a worrisome lack of respect on his part.
By shooting down your request, he made it clear that he thinks his needs are more important than yours. In his mind, his desire to have sex three times in 12 hours, instead of twice, outweighs your desire for a healthy night’s sleep. I’m sorry, but that’s ridiculous. As your partner, he should care about your mental health and well-being. What does it say to you that he doesn’t—that he’d rather coerce you into having sex when you don’t want to? Is that the kind of partner you want to be with?
His temper tantrum is another glaring red flag. Since he can’t have sex in the middle of the night, he makes it seem like your relationship will explode. He claims he’ll never want to have sex again, which is simply not true. (He’s lying in order to get what he wants, which is manipulation.) And that talk about not sleeping in the same bed? That’s him trying to punish you for advocating for your most fundamental needs (i.e. sleep).
I can’t help but wonder how your other arguments (in and outside the bedroom) have gone. Does he always blow up like this? Does he threaten you with consequences? Do you then acquiesce to his demands because you don’t want to upset him or rock the boat?
If this is the case, which I have a feeling it is, break up with him. Relationships involve two people who mutually respect and listen to each other, and he does neither of those things. You should also read up on people-pleasing, which I have a feeling you might be doing—or even better, talk about it with a therapist if you’re able to. Learning how to resist people-pleasing tendencies will help set you up for healthier, more balanced relationships in the future. You deserve a partnership where you’re able to set boundaries—sleep-related and beyond—and have them taken seriously.
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