I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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My wife and I have been married for four years, and initially, our sex life was pretty good and fulfilling. However, within the first year of marriage, it became apparent that my wife was struggling with alcohol addiction. I started to feel weird about being intimate when I saw that she was intoxicated and I wasn’t. (She’d only initiate if she were drunk, and I didn’t want to engage because she was “hiding” her drinking.)
It kinda fucked with my head, and eventually, we stopped having sex altogether. Flash forward, she is in recovery and doing awesome, and I’m so happy and proud of the work she is doing. We are at a place where our sex life is getting back on track with one exception… She doesn’t like foreplay when the attention is on her. Whenever we start, she wants to go straight to P in V, which is fine for me, but it makes the experience feel one-sided. I ask her before, during, and after what I can do for her or what’s working, and she tells me she enjoys what we are doing, but I feel like I’m the only one getting the most out of our sessions.
She has mentioned that since she has stopped drinking, she gets in her own head, and the focused attention on her impacts her overall ability to perform. I guess I’m asking: Is there a way to help her feel enthusiastic about the build-up, or anything I can do to alleviate the stress she puts on herself?
— Foreplay Forsaken
Dear Foreplay Forsaken,
It seems like you two have an honest, open dialogue and know the root of the issue: Your wife has relied on alcohol to quiet any anxious voices in her head during sex. So it’s challenging for her to make love (and be intimate) sober, especially in the beginning of her recovery journey. That said, I do think it is a muscle she can flex, and over time, it will get easier for her to feel relaxed and enjoy sex without alcohol.
This may sound counterintuitive, but a way to help her relax and enjoy the experience is focus more on your pleasure than hers. I’ve had past partners get anxious during sex, so they don’t like it when I go down on them. They feel like they have to cum, and if they don’t, I will be disappointed. I’ve helped quell their anxiety by saying, “This is for me. I just LOVE eating your pussy.” When your partner thinks you’re doing something just for their pleasure, it adds a lot of pressure, and they can feel compelled to perform. But when you explain you’re doing something because it turns you on, they can just sit back and enjoy.
I showed your question to sober sexpert Tawny Lara, author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze, to learn what else you can do to alleviate her stress.
Lara recommended engaging in grounding techniques with your wife, which can help her get out of her head when you’re in the bedroom. A common grounding practice is to focus on your five senses, listing things you see, hear, feel, smell, and taste.
To make it sexy, you can try identifying things you find hot about your current situation. Lara suggests you say something like, “Your skin feels so soft in my hands.” This, along with gently caressing her skin, can help her get out of her head and into her body. Or, you can say, “I love holding you in my arms.” This can remind her that she’s safe with you in the present moment, Lara adds.
Another way to help your wife relax is to engage in sensory experiences, which can help anxious people get out of their head and back into their body. “Using pinwheels and blindfolds might help her reconnect with her body, so you two can be present together,” Lara says. You could potentially go a step further and engage in impact play, such as spanking.
“Sometimes simple acts like eye contact, hand-holding, and physical touch can be emotionally overwhelming or physically overstimulating to folks who relied on alcohol for intimacy,” Lara says. “Remind her it’s OK to take a break or stop altogether if she feels overwhelmed. Sober sex is also one day at a time.”
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