Kenneth Play/Getty Images
SIZE MATTERS, but not in the way you think it does.
Men write to me all the time expressing the same crippling insecurity around the size of their own cocks that I felt around mine. Despite the many studies I could provide to show their penis size falls well within average (over a dozen studies are cited in a single Medical News Today article), somehow the science isn’t enough to change their genital self-esteem. Why is this?
Like me, you may have spent much of your adult sex life worrying about the size of your cock. Some of that worry stems from comparison with porn stars and cultural scripts about what it means to be a man. But there’s another factor involved in our genital self-esteem: deep down we all want to feel like our penis is the magic stick—that it is the best tool to give women orgasms. We want women to worship our cock like it is the holy grail of penises. Just being “normal” isn’t what really moves us. We want to experience ourselves as truly worthy of admiration, adoration, and awe. If you’re with a long-term partner, you may even want to be her G.O.A.T. (greatest of all time).
How do you do that with the equipment you have?
Well, firstly, you have to be willing to acknowledge that the pain you are experiencing around an imaginary problem is doing way more harm than good. One of the most entertaining dynamic duos in Hollywood is Kevin Hart and the Rock. If you see them next to each other, the contrast in height and size is shocking. Because of the porn industry, we think most men are like the Rock in the dick department and that Kevin Hart is the sad minority. But Kevin Hart is actually closer to average height than the Rock. If we all compared our height to the Rock, thinking we’re way too short, everyone from Kevin Hart to guys that are six feet tall would be walking around with a huge Napoleon complex! But that is what we do with our dicks.
Kenneth Play
The secret I’ve found, through my own personal life and the lives of my clients, is that most women would strongly prefer to be with an incredibly confident Kevin Hart than a cripplingly insecure Rock. What women truly want isn’t the big dick, it’s the big-dick energy, and Kevin Hart has that big-dick energy. Confidence and competence have way more mating value than the things we think we need to possess in order to have that competence and confidence. So, I want to get real with you here and give you the actual info you need to develop both of these things.
Now, the first thing you need to understand to develop genuine genital self-esteem is how women’s sexual preferences actually work. Most women actually prefer an average-sized cock for long-term sex, even if they’d want a slightly larger one for a one-night stand.
The reasons for this aren’t random; most women have an average-sized vagina, and people generally want something that fits with their body. In the graphic that follows, Dr. James Pfaus, Chelsey Fasano, and I created an illustration of the actual data around genital sizes. Statistically, 95% of people are within the dimensions bracketed on the ruler. As you can see by the chart, that means that most penises will fit with most vaginas, especially when vaginas are properly aroused and lubricated. The pleasure gap is not a size gap, it’s a skills gap.
A funny example that illustrates this point is what has happened with iPhones in recent years. There was a trend for a while in which iPhones were getting bigger and bigger. Particularly in the U.S., a larger phone seemed like a good idea because of the “bigger is better” myth that we apply to almost everything—hamburgers, cars, soda pop, you name it. But what actually happened was people stopped buying them because no one could hold them anymore. iPhone ended up going back to making the iPhone mini, because people wanted to be able to comfortably hold the thing in their hand!
What actually works, and what is satisfying to interact with, depends on the size of your hand compared to the size of the iPhone, and how the two interact on a day-to-day basis. User-friendliness is huge. So the question is: how do you make your cock user-friendly?
To get super real: you’re gonna need to use different tactics, depending on the size of your penis. How did I figure all this out? Like most things in life, it was the result of experience. I got to know women with all shapes and sizes of vaginas, and men with all shapes and sizes of dicks. I spoke to and had sex with a variety of people.
I played with women who had short vaginal tunnels, who liked short penises. I met women with narrow vaginal openings who liked slim penises. I had manual and oral sex with women who didn’t like penetration at all. I pulled out big dildos for size queens who loved to have their pussies stretched and their cervixes pounded. I fingered women who only wanted gentle touches on their cervix, and I stroked women who didn’t want their cervixes touched at all.
Once, when I was fucking a partner who had a short vaginal tunnel, I hit her cervix and she yelped in pain. I immediately backed off and had to be careful the rest of the time we were playing. With my average-sized cock, I’d never experienced that before. I suddenly had compassion for those with big cocks. While I constantly worried my cock was too small, the well-endowed guys had to worry just as much about what to do with their cock that was too big.
None of us is one-size-fits-all. I loved my cock so much more from that moment on. Because it was average-sized, most of the time I could pound as hard as I wanted to and not hold back.
Instead of trying to compensate for what I thought every woman wanted, I started looking for lovers who were the right fit for me. Once I busted the myth of “bigger is better,” I realized there was nothing to compensate for in the first place. The moral of the story is that I started to get to know all the different vaginas out there.
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