EVERYBODY LOVES AN ORGASM—the bigger the O, the better, right? Well, some people like it when their spurt gets spoiled. It’s called a ruined orgasm, and the resulting physical frustration is part of the appeal.
Intrigued? Here’s everything you need to know about why ruined orgasms are hot and how you can have one with a partner.
What is a ruined orgasm?
“A ruined orgasm happens when the stimuli is removed as the orgasm is about to happen,” explains Lola Jean, a sex educator and headmistress of 7 Days of Domination. When that happens, the resulting O lacks some of its usual intensity.
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“When you have a ruined orgasm, an orgasm that could have been a ‘ten out of ten’ becomes less intense,” says sex and relationship therapist Dr. Donna Oriowo.
You might experience a solo ruined orgasm if you stop or ease up on genital stimulation just before you reach your climax. If your partner is the one getting you off, they can ruin your orgasm by stopping stimulation, slowing down, or changing the type of stimulation they’re providing when you’re almost over the edge.
Ruined orgasms don’t always happen on purpose. Maybe you’ve had one unintentionally when your solo or partnered stroke sesh got rudely interrupted.
“Maybe someone calls you right when you’re starting to have an orgasm—then you might not experience the orgasm in the same way you would have without the interruption,” Oriowo says.
What does a ruined orgasm feel like?
“Having a ruined orgasm feels like reaching for a chocolate chip cookie. You can almost taste it in your mouth—then you take a bite and find out its oatmeal raisin,” Oriowo says. “Oatmeal raisin cookies are delicious in their own right, but that’s not what you were prepared for.”
An orgasm is an orgasm and a cookie is a cookie, but we all know some are better than others.
Why would anyone want a ruined orgasm on purpose?
Unless you’re already into ruined orgasms, the idea of cumming without the feeling of total release might not sound very appealing. But if you’re kinky or curious about power play, you might be into the mental experience of pleasure deprivation.
“Some people enjoy the feeling of being desperate and horny,” Jean says. When one partner controls the quality and duration of another partner’s orgasm, the power dynamic can be hot for everyone involved.
“It’s fun to do something we’re not supposed to do,” Jean says. “In traditional sex, you’re expected to make your partner cum and then everybody feels good. In this case, you’re technically helping your partner orgasm, but it doesn’t feel that great, and there’s something delicious about having that power.”
How is a ruined orgasm different from edging?
Ruined orgasms are often misconstrued with another kinky practice called edging.
“Edging takes you to the brink, but you don’t orgasm right away, or at all,” Oriowo explains. During a solo or partnered edging session, you might get to that edge over and over again until you have one huge release. The build-up might last for minutes, hours, or even days.
The point of edging is to enhance the “tease” and eventually have the biggest, most satisfying orgasm possible, whereas the point of a ruined orgasm is to have a less-satisfying climax.
How do I experience a ruined orgasm with a partner?
Talk through it first.
Whether you’re interested in giving or receiving a ruined orgasm, start by sharing your desires and boundaries with your partner and ask them about their own needs.
“Make sure you’re both clear on what a ruined orgasm is and you’re both consenting to trying it out,” Oriowo says.
Then decide how the orgasm will be ruined. Does your partner want to get to the edge with a vibrator before you turn it off? Do you want your partner to go down on you and stop just before you climax? Or will one partner masturbate while the other provides instructions (“keep going,” “slow down,” “stop”)?
You can get to the brink however you like, but it’s best to start with sex act that reliably gets you or your partner off, Jean says.
Establish a safe word.
Now that you have a plan in place, agree on a safe word that allows either party to stop everything that’s happening, no questions asked. That way, either of you can bail if you feel uncomfortable or you’re just not having fun, Oriowo says.
Build up tension.
This is the fun part. Do what you’d usually do to make yourself or your partner orgasm. Penetration, oral sex, toys, butt stuff—anything the recipient digs is on the table.
“Bondage and blindfolds pair especially well with ruined orgasms,” Oriowo says. You can even throw in some edging if the receiving partner really likes to be teased.
Stop stimulation prior to climax.
If you’re the one ruining your partner’s orgasm, focus on their sounds and their body language.
“You have to know your partner’s body to understand when they’ve reached the point of no return,” Oriowo explains.
If it’s hard to tell how close your partner is getting, just ask, Jean says. If you’re the receiver, don’t be afraid to sound the alarm that you’re getting close. Communicating—whether that’s with words, moans, or body language—is the key to pulling off a ruined orgasm together.
Once your orgasm or your partner’s orgasm has been successfully wrecked, keep rolling around if you want to. You can also get straight into post-sex cuddles or any other aftercare practices you and your partner enjoy. Take some time to debrief, too—if it turns out you both loved the experience, you can come up with even more wicked ways to spoil each other’s orgasms next time.
Contributor
Ro White is a Chicago-based writer. You can find Ro’s work in SELF, VICE, Cosmopolitan, Thrillist, and more.
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