What It Is, Signs Your Partner Is Doing it

“I WANT TO spend the rest of my life with you.”

“I want to marry you.” “We’ll go to Hawaii on our honeymoon.” “We’ll buy a house in our favorite neighborhood and have two kids.”

Your partner may say things like this to you often—or, you say it to them. While it can be fun to imagine and plan for the future, sometimes these phrases can be problematic and even a sign of a type of manipulation, called future faking.

“Future faking is a bonding technique used in romantic relationships where a detailed vision of the future is outlined in order to expedite connection,” says Kara Kays, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Thriveworks in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

Most future planning happens later in relationships, so when one partner discusses it on your first date or two, it can be a red flag, she adds. It’s also an issue if your partner doesn’t actually follow through with the plans they promised later on.

Future faking is “actually a form of manipulation, and it’s keeping you hooked in by making the kinds of future promises you want to hear,” says clinical psychologist and author Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. It’s a technique often used by narcissists in relationships, and one of the hallmarks of a toxic, narcissistic relationship is the belief that things will change or get better in the future.

If you’re wondering if the detailed comments about how you and your partner will spend your future together are sincere or future faking, experts share some signs to look for and how to deal with a future faker.

What Is Future Faking?

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Future faking can happen at any stage of a relationship, but it’s more common in the beginning, when someone strives to build a quick connection, Kays says.

Future faking “may include wanting to have a family with you someday, and they may say things about wanting to get married someday, and buy a house together, someday,” Durvasula says.

The trouble is, it’s not likely to happen.

Narcissists often appear charming at first, feed off of compliments, center conversations and situations around their needs, and gaslight. So, telling someone what they want to hear and hooking them with promises can lure people in initially, Durvasula says.

But, over time, narcissists will typically turn cold or start acting indifferent to someone else’s feelings or even ignore or devalue them.

What Does Future Faking Look Like?

Future fakers are great at figuring out what matters to you and promising that exact thing, Duvasula says. “It’s often part of the mirroring process where they listen to you and work out what makes you tick, which is the perfect tool to future fake from.”

Examples of future faking might include statements like:

• “I can see us settling down together, having two kids, and being very happy in the country”
• “I want to travel the world together”
• “I want to take care of you, so you’ll never have to work again”
• “Let’s save up to buy a home together”

But, these comments might be made on a first date, when you don’t know each other. Or, the person saying them never plans any trips or saves money to make these promises happen, according to Psychology Today.

“Future fakers reassure you, they tell you about the income potential they’re going to have one day, or they’re making more than enough money to take care of you,” Durvasula.

This might lead you to leave a job or move to a new place to be with them, she adds. You might also end up being isolated from others and totally dependent on your narcissistic partner.

Future Faking Can Happen In Any Relationship

Future faking might be more common in romantic relationships, but it can happen in any type of relationship.

Durvasula explains that it can also present itself in family dynamics, where a family member will dangle the offer of future opportunities or financial support in order to get you to do what they want.

“One function of future faking is simply to distract you, just when you may be having a growing sense of discontent about the relationship, or starting to draw away,” she says. “It’s a perfect manipulation to draw you back in. They’ll focus on talking about future things that really, really matter to you, and doing this can make you doubt yourself and make you think twice about transitioning out of the relationship.”

Is Future Faking Intentional?

It’s hard to say whether future faking is always intentional or unintentional, Kays says. “People are complex, inherently making relationships complex.”

Future faking is often deployed by narcissists at very strategic times, Durvasula adds, such as when a big decision needs to be made about work or school that might result in them having less influence.

But, narcissists don’t always recognize that their own behavior is problematic, as it seems completely normal to them.

How to Tell the Difference Between Future Faking and a Legitimate Connection

If something someone says sounds too good to be true, Kays says it probably is, and that’s a red flag.

“There are many ways to bond and foster connection. Ultimately when building a relationship, trusting oneself, intuitions, and ‘gut’ reactions will help provide a picture if this person is someone to continue to pursue,” she adds.

When someone is trying to build a legitimate connection, they usually won’t like, pretend, or exaggerate.

The important thing to remember is that a narcissist has no intention of keeping their promises, which are made with the sole intention of keeping you on the hook. “It’s kind of a psychological Ponzi scheme, in which you buy in now, and never get paid down the road,” says Durvasula.

Honest self-reflection can help you figure out how you’re truly feeling about what your partner is bringing to the relationship, Kays says.

How to Handle Instances of Future Faking

Dealing with a future faker can be emotional. They’ve promised you what you want, but at some point, you realize they’re not going to deliver.

If you suspect your partner is future faking, here are some steps to take, according to Kays:

• Ask questions—such as for more details about plans they suggest
• Get updates on any progress toward their promises
• Don’t accept excuses or allow them to distort reality
• Point out instances when someone is lying
• Try discussing your concerns with the future faker
• Consider ending the relationship

Seeking help from a mental health professional might also be necessary, especially if you’re also dealing with anxiety, depression, or isolation.

“It’s not impossible that a future faker can change,” Kays says. “However, it would take a great deal of self-awareness and proactive measures—likely with the help of a professional—in order to do so.”