Where Do I Put My Hands During Cowgirl?

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

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Dear Sexplain It,

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A girl laughed at me during sex last weekend because I didn’t know what to do with my hands during cowgirl. For context, I’d been holding her hips, but then I felt like I was preventing her from riding me properly, so I let go, and my hands were kind of…hovering there. Now I’m dying to know: What SHOULD I be doing with my hands during cowgirl?!

–Confused Cowboy

Dear Confused Cowboy,

I’m sorry…she laughed at you? Because you didn’t know what to do with your hands? That’s rude and unhelpful. She should have told you where she’d like you to put your hands (or just grabbed them and placed them where she wanted them). That would have actually been productive—and, well, kinder.

For the record, you had the right idea by putting your hands on her hips. I like to grip my partner’s hips, hold them firmly, and start thrusting to get deeper inside her and better hit her G-spot. You mentioned you somehow inhibited her from doing her thing on top; if that happens again, you can simply rest your hands on her hips. Grip them lightly so she still controls the speed, rhythm, and depth. You don’t need to remove your hands altogether, the way you did with her.

Here are some other things I like to do with my hands when someone rides me in the cowgirl sex position.

Hands on her breasts: You can squeeze her breasts and gently pinch her nipples while she’s riding you.

Grab that booty: You can shake her ass up and down on your penis, making it clap on your junk, which is obviously hot.

Manually stimulate her clitoris: This only sometimes works when a partner is riding me; other times, it’s too awkward to maneuver. But if your partner leans back slightly while riding you, you might be able to stimulate their clitoris with your thumb as they bounce up and down.

Put your hands at your side: If that feels awkward for you, since you’re not “doing” anything with them, grab onto the towel, blanket, or sheet you’re having sex on.

Grab your headboard: If you’re having sex on a bed with a headboard, reach back and grab onto the headboard for support. (Your arms will also look great while flexed.)

Engage in breath play: FYI, you need to know how to choke someone safely before you try it in the bedroom. And, like any sex act, everyone needs to consent before trying it. If you know what you’re doing, and you’re both into it, you can try safely choking her while she rides you.