I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.
Dear Sexplain It,
My wife passed in 2018. It was really hard going through the next few years alone without her. But about a few months ago, I decided I was going to start dating again. It’s been challenging, to say the least. I often find myself comparing my dates to my wife, which I know isn’t healthy, and I’m working on that in therapy. But the bigger issue involves disclosure of being a widower. I’m only 34, and the women I date seem to be very worried or turned off when I reveal to them that my wife passed.
I know I need to tell them, but I’m not sure how, or when, or if there’s a way to make it seem like I’m “okay,” when truthfully, I don’t know if I am “okay.”
—Lonely Widower
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Dear Lonely Widower,
I’m so sorry for your loss. After losing someone you pictured spending your life with, you’re probably not okay—but you know what? That is okay. You don’t have to be “over” your late wife in order to find love again. Besides, what would that even mean: that you no longer think about her? I wouldn’t wish that for you either.
Neither would Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, cofounder of Viva Wellness. I showed him your question because he has more experience guiding people through situations like yours. “There is a lot of societal pressure to ‘move on’ from loss which borders on pathological compulsion,” Caraballo says. “In real life, we all struggle to live alongside loss in the best ways that we can. I don’t know that any of us is ever ‘okay’ after losing someone.”
The goal isn’t to stop grieving altogether, but to accept that grief will continue to play a role in your life even as you start to meet new people. It sounds like you’re already working on balancing these two things in therapy, which is great. So let’s talk about disclosing the fact that you’re a widower, which seems to be the most pressing aspect of your question.
I think you should let people know about your wife sooner rather than later. That’s my advice for disclosing anything about your identity that might not be obvious from first glance, whether it’s that you’re bisexual, living with HIV, or polyamorous. It’s not only difficult to hide such a monumental aspect of your life, but it’s also antithetical to the entire “getting to know you” process, which requires honesty and vulnerability. “Having to keep this ‘secret’ could hamper a developing relationship before it even has a chance to really start,” Caraballo adds.
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I’m not sure how you’re meeting dates now, but if you’re on the apps, I would write in your bio that you’re a widower. (You don’t have to make it some big disclaimer; just weave it into your bio naturally: “I’m looking to build a new relationship after my wife’s passing 3 years ago.”) That way, women will know before they match with you. Will you get fewer matches? Yes, but that’s the point: You’re weeding out people who aren’t compatible with your current life situation. I also bet you’ll find yourself matching with more widows, which may be nice. They’ll have a better understanding of what you’re going through, and you two will be able to support one another.
If you haven’t already, I’d also talk to your therapist about finding local support groups for widows and widowers. It will not only be therapeutic to have a larger support system of others who’ve experienced similar losses, but you may also meet a romantic partner there.
Again, Lonely Widower, I’m very sorry for your loss. But I believe you will be able to find love again if you choose. It won’t be easy, and it may take some time. But you have the rest of your life to live, and there’s no reason you should have to go through it alone.
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