If your partner has a vulva, they might enjoy penetrative sex, but you’ll need to stimulate the clitoris to take them over the edge. A 2017 study published in the journal Sex and Marital Therapy found that only 18% of women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. The rest either require or prefer clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse.
The clitoris has around 8,000 nerve endings, which is roughly double the number in a penis. In her book Come As You Are, sex researcher Emily Nagoski writes that the clitoris is the “Grand Central Station of erotic sensation.” But despite its critical role in pleasure and arousal, researchers haven’t always given the clitoris the attention it deserves. The clitoris was omitted from some early medical textbooks. We didn’t even have a 3D model of the clitoris until 2009. Thankfully, we now know more about its structure than ever before, and you can use this knowledge to stimulate the clitoris.
Where is the clitoris?
The clitoris is like an iceberg—it’s larger than you think. There’s a tiny nub at the top of a vulva where the inner labia meet (that’s the glans), but the majority of the clitoris is actually underneath the skin. The full clitoris is shaped kind of like a wishbone that runs along the sides of the vulva and extends up to five inches inside the body. You may have noticed your partner’s vulva puffs up before or during sex. That’s because the clitoris is composed of erectile tissue that swells during arousal, just like the penis.
Because the clitoris is both an internal and external structure, some researchers believe that “G-spot orgasms” don’t exist—they’re actually internal clitoral orgasms. For this piece, however, we’re going to focus on the parts of the clitoris that you can access externally.
Even though the clitoris is a highly erogenous zone, it’s not a magic button. You can’t just poke it and expect your partner to moan in ecstasy. For the best clitoral stimulation, you need to stay consistent and pay attention to your partner’s feedback.
Before you try something new, you should ask your partner to tell you or show you what they like. But in the event they’re not sure exactly what feels great (or they’re in the mood to explore), here are some tips from sex experts about how to go about stimulating the clitoris.
Ask for directions.
The most sensitive part of the clitoris is located where the labia meet, but it can be hard to find the right spot, especially if you’re in low lighting. “The easiest way to find the clit by touch is by asking your partner to place your fingers on it—there’s no shame in that,” explains Allison Moon, sex educator and author of Girl Sex 101. “Some clits are more prominent than others. It’s better to ask than to diddle a part that definitely isn’t it.”
Let your partner take control.
If you’re not sure where to start, cup your partner’s vulva and let them control the movement and pressure. “Create a firm base with your palm that your partner can hump or grind against,” Moon says. “Ask them to move their hips against your hand to demonstrate the kind of motion that feels good to them.”
Give indirect stimulation.
While some people love direct clitoral stimulation on the glans, others might find it’s too intense. If your partner has a particularly sensitive clitoris, Moon recommends stimulating the area around the glans by stroking the clitoral hood or either side of the clitoral shaft.
Play the “Clit Clock” game.
“Imagine the clit has a clock on it, where the top point, closest to their bellybutton, is twelve, and the spot closest to their vaginal opening is six,” says sex-hacker and sexpert Kenneth Play. “Move along their clit around the clock with a finger or sex toy, starting from twelve and going in a circle slowly, asking them to let you know which spot feels the best.”
Practice pleasure calibration.
Once you find the right location, try different ways of touching it, Play explains. “The things you can vary are pressure, friction, speed, and angle,” he says. You can tell them to make a noise, squeeze your hand, or say something when it feels particularly good.
Stay consistent.
As the adage goes, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” The most common frustrating thing men do is change things up too much, says Play. Once you find what works, keep doing it. “You don’t need a million different tricks, you just need to find the thing they like, and consistently repeat it,” he says. “Let it build up enough to spill over.”
Make a peace sign.
“Put your fingers in a peace sign and with lots of lube, slide them up and down on the inside of their outer lips, around the inner lips,” explains Anne Louise Burdett, a certified Sex Educator and CEO of TOCA, an organic CBD line of intimacy lubricants. “Here you are stimulating the extended internal structure of the clitoris. This is erectile tissue that becomes highly sensitive when engorged, making the area hotter, filled with blood and pulsing.” Make sure that you use plenty of lube; this does not feel pleasurable without it.
Give mixed pressure.
“Slide or bring the heel of your hand to the hood of their clitoris,” Burdett says. Have your partner breathe and ask them if they want more or less pressure. “You may want to repeat this, pulse, or slide.” You can also apply pressure with other things besides your hands, including sex toys.
Try the “Rock-A-Bye Labia” technique.
“Spread your fingers and lay them flat over your partner’s outer labia, and then alternate pressure between your fingers,” Burdett says. As always, explore pressure and rhythm, and ask your partner what feels best. “Here you are stimulating the clitoral bulbs under the outer labia, which is an essential way to signal to the body to produce lubrication and fill the area with blood to increase pleasure and sensitivity vastly.”
The future of sex is here, and there are hundreds if not thousands of toys created to stimulate the clitoris directly. There’s even been a surge in clitoral suction devices (a.k.a. clit suckers) that provide a unique stimulation that your hands simply can’t—no matter how hard you may try. Here are some to try.
Swap deep penetration for deep clitoral pleasure. In the CAT sex position, the insertive partner holds themselves over the receptive partner—like in missionary—but they shift their body forward so their penis or dildo is pointing down. That way, as the insertive partner moves their shaft toward their partner’s vagina, it rubs against the clitoris on the way there.
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