I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.
This is an edited and condensed transcription from last week’s “Sexplain It Live,” which was recorded on Men’s Health‘s Instagram. I was joined by Psychotherapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, author of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life.
I’m a 31-year-old straight man dating a 23-year-old woman for a year. Our relationship is good, but whenever we do have an issue, and I calmly address it, she starts crying and apologizing profusely. It’s really intense. The thing is, I actually want to talk about whatever the issue is. The way it is now, we don’t actually talk. I end up saying, “It’s okay! It’s not that big of a deal,” and then console her. But then nothing changes in our relationship, and we keep running into the same issues. Can I ask her not to cry, so we can talk about it more seriously? I feel like that makes me an asshole.
VM: I recommend that this couple has a conversation about how they communicate—talking about talking. It sounds funny, but every couple should discuss their communication habits this way. So have a conversation with her when there isn’t an issue or complaint. And all you say to her is, “I’ve noticed that there have been times when I wanna talk about something that’s going on in our relationship, and you get really upset, and you start apologizing right away. And I want us to talk about what that is like for you. What makes you feel like you immediately have to apologize and are so profuse about it?” So let her share a little bit of her experience because there’s some deeper reason why that’s her initial reaction.
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ZZ: Absolutely. There’s definitely something larger going on with her.
VM: So talk about that a little bit and then share with her: “I don’t need you to apologize profusely whenever I share things. When I bring up something, it’s a dynamic that I want us to talk about together because I care about you, and I want us to have a great relationship. I want us to talk openly about these kinds of things. So is there anything I could do in those moments to help make it feel a little bit easier for you, to remind you that something is not immediately your fault because I’ve brought it up?” So, seeing if there’s any way to prepare before the next time they have a conversation.
ZZ: Yes!
VM: And the next time you are having a conversation, and she starts to cry and apologize profusely, you can remind her, “Hey, this is what we talked about in that other conversation. This is not your fault. This is just something that I wanna talk about. I love you. I’m here with you.” And then, for this guy, his task is to sit with her discomfort. She’s allowed to have an emotional reaction. We don’t wanna say, “Can you not cry? Can you stop doing that?” She’s allowed to cry! So the problem is that he’s folding. He’s saying, “I had something I wanted to bring to you. Oh, you’re crying now? Okay, fine. Nevermind. It’s not that big of a deal.”
He needs to stand firm in himself. Wait the tears out. Sometimes, that’s literally the best thing you can do: Just sit there and wait it out. Keep reminding her of the things that you guys talked about beforehand. And maybe a little self-talk to yourself in the moment. Tell yourself, “I get to still have this thing that I wanna talk to her about. This thing is still important. I’m not going to say it’s okay. I’m not gonna ignore it. I still deserve to talk to her about this thing.” So some confidence in himself and some belief that he gets to continue having these conversations.
ZZ: I want to add: It’s gonna be so uncomfortable and hard for you. Often, I feel like we [sex columnists and relationship experts] make it seem like it’s so easy to implement our advice. But it’s challenging. Whether the issue is talking about erectile dysfunction, breaking up with someone, or sitting with the person you love as they’re crying while saying everything is their fault. Of course, your gut response is going to be to console them. But you’ll have to sit awkwardly while she cries—give her a hug—and wait for her to cry it out. It’s going to be really uncomfortable, especially the first couple of times!
VM: And remind yourself that, “My feelings are worthwhile too. I don’t need to let go of myself to care for her. My feelings are important too.”
Watch the full conversation here:
Contributing Editor
Zachary Zane is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and editor-in-chief of the BOYSLUT Zine, which publishes nonfiction erotica from kinksters across the globe. He writes “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health, and is the co-author of Men’s Health Best. Sex. Ever. His work has been featured in New York Times, Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and more.
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